Keep Me Breathing
by Mrs. Ren
Summary: "It sounds like a dysfunctional glee club to me." We're not like anyone else. We're kind of twisted inside, with self harm, eating disorders and abuse. Life gets dark sometimes, but I think I'm learning it gets better. We found comfort in each other. I found feelings I didn't know I had. Most of all, I learned what it's like to really feel alive. Amu/Ikuto. Utau/ Kukai.
1. It All Starts Here

**It's been a while, huh? This story is in memory of a girl I personally never met, but her story touched me. She is no longer with us, and I hope she rests in peace.**

My name is Amu, and I like to hurt myself. When it gets too hard, too awkward, I'm always the first to run. It's kind of like playing chicken with every aspect of my life. I'm a little violent, but it's all towards myself. It's like a hurricane just roared up inside me and I know-I will carry the damage. Somehow, I always get myself into horribly awkward situations. Have you ever heard of being stuck between a rock and a hard place?

That's my life, day in, day out.

I thought feeling like this was over. It was getting better finally. Maybe there wasn't a throng of friends circling me. Did I really want that though? I suppose not, since I hate people. You open yourself up, you literally hand them the information to kill you and what? You just hope they don't get mad? Still, there's a whole that's beginning to fill. Maybe it's filled with a good book, my imagination, or even too much Tumblr.

But it's all I had, and that meant something. Until it didn't help me. Until there was a bigger hole, and unless you can bring someone back to life...

I don't think I'll ever be whole again.

–

That was my letter that I put into this stupid box, for a stupid idea. Regret eats at me, because too many words spilled out of my mouth. Did everyone else say things like that? Mrs. Ichinose told us to be fully honest.

"This is about you, so please say what you need to. I'm not running to rat all of you out for having human emotions."

Which brings me to now, to this clubroom that's not been used this school year. It's not dusty. In use or not, there's not enough rooms to punish delinquents by cleaning. It makes me smile, and the boy across from me raises an eyebrow. "Something funny?" I shrug, a universal way of saying don't talk to me.

When she comes in, her hair is sticking to her face from sweat. "I'm so sorry I'm late!" Her purse slips off of her arm and she starts talking, fast. "Thank you so much for coming. I know how much you don't like this. Just give it a chance."

"What did we sign up for?" The boy with the brown hair and crossed arms says. "And why are you so nervous about it?"

"Well, I was thinking some time last week. All of you keep to yourselves and I doubt you've spoken a word to each other. It also came to my attention that each of you struggle with things you can't talk about." The hair on my arms stand up. "Counselors can't be trusted sometimes. So, I thought why not put you in a group and maybe you can find people you _can_ talk to."

"Uh-uh, no way. I'm not your science experiment." We all hummed in agreement.

"I know how it sounds. And if you don't want to even try, I'll give you your letter and you'll walk out that door." I hold my breath, because there's something coming. "But this is a chance you won't get again. When you look at each other, you don't see much. But you could, and you will if you just try. One meeting with everyone, without me. Will you make up your minds after that?" She's begging. It's in her eyes how badly she wants to help. She can't help, so she'll think outside of the box.

"It sounds like a dysfunctional glee club to me." Ikuto says while smirking. "But I'll give it a try."

"It needs to be an understood thing that nothing gets repeated." Brown hair says.

"Mutual trust." It's weird to be getting an opinion for once.

It's then that everyone starts chiming in, agreeing. I wish I could look back on this from the outside.

Because this is when a puzzle piece finally fell into the right place.

–

"Mom, are you here?" My voice echoes among the boxes of belonging from my papa's house.

"I'm upstairs! Will you help me move all of Dad's stuff to the attic?" He's either papa or dad, but most of the time he was cool enough to be both. My lips curve into a sad smile as I pick up as much as I can carry. That's three boxes, and now I can't see since one's over my head. "Be careful with that last step." No matter what she's always saying that. The rickety old step that we're sure will collapse. She's so worried my brother will fall through.

She lightens my load. "Over in the corner?" She nods, humming. Mom's keeping busy more now. I fear if she stops, losing her Dad will become real. So, I'm trying to act okay around her. She was my support and I'd like to return that to her. "Did Mr. Seiko come today?" She nods, and my stomach clenches. He's the lawyer who went over the will with us. "Will you tell me what's happening?"

She's grinning with teeth and everything. "Well, like he told me a long time ago, the money was split up among his children and grandchildren. Anyways, we can talk about that later. All of the machinery he bought is being sold, because that's what he wanted. The white truck, he left it for you." She fluffs my hair. "And everything else is little stuff."

"Could I have one of his t-shirts? One of those big ones?" She smiles, just as she wipes away one of my tears.

"I'll pick it up tomorrow." We carry as much as we can with each trip. "Do you remember when he told you he saw bigfoot?"

"Yeah." I giggle. "He said it was grandma." We laugh loudly. Sometimes it's so easy to forget I should be sad. "Do you remember when came with me to Dad's day?" She nods, and it's a bittersweet memory.

"I remember how he always took you shopping, and would always come home with a McDonalds bag."

"Or how we watched every episode of Kim Possible together, or Scooby Doo?" She sits on the couch, content to let me talk. I would have stopped, really. Mom should talk to, but it felt so good to talk about the good times. "Or how I ate so fast, while you were so slow. Or when he realized how much money he spent on all my books. When he realized that, I thought he'd kill me. I always ordered books and asked for the money later. I remember how he was always trying to help me, in those quirky ways. He was so sarcastic, so funny. While he did tell me to suck it up a lot, he always made me feel better. He wasn't loving all the time, but he was when it counted. He was my best friend." I finished, realizing how hard I was crying.

My brother came in the door from soccer practice, kicked off his cleats and came to me. "Sissy." He holds my cheeks in his hands. "Don't cry." While I sit on the edge of the seat, immersed in this grief he's right there in all his innocence. "It's okay." His arms slip around my back. I wrap my arms around him and he's so warm. I don't care about the sweat or his smell from running for two hours. I just wish I could stay like this forever.

–

We decide we'd like to meet at the park. Around one o clock in the afternoon, I take a seat in the gazebo and wonder for the thirteenth time if this is a mistake. Because one way or another, I'm going to get hurt.

I'm playing Jelly Jump when someone sits down across from me. My eyes come up to hers. "I'm Utau." She puts her hand out and I meet her in the middle.

"Amu," I say quietly. "Do you think this is a bad idea?"

"A terrible one." She admits, chuckling. "But hey, it's not like we've made good choices up till now, right? What's one more?"

A snort comes out and I clamp my hands over my mouth and nose. "Did. You. Just."

I cut her off. "Don't you make fun of me! It was funny and I forgot how to laugh." I shrug.

"Yeah right." She's pretty loud, versus my quiet. Opposites attract right? Her hair is blonde, and curled, and it goes to the middle of her back. Her face is beautiful, but she's in baggy clothing, and her wrists look so frail. She's bundled up in a hoodie. Her perfume is strong, as if she were covering something up.

I'm nervous, so I clutch my wrist where I've cut, scratched. It's like a nervous tick, a counselor told me. Somehow, knowing they're there has always made me feel more calm. If you get upset, just reach up your sleeve and bring your nails down as hard as you can. The pain will wash everything away.

"There's Ikuto," I say, pointing and then we see brown hair. Then the last one, the girl with purple hair, who never said a word.

The five of us sit on the pavement. My back is against a pole. "Introductions are in order." Utau says and she just takes the lead. Besides, none of us want it. "Why don't we say who we are, and what our poison is?" Ever so dramatic is my first thought.

"I don't hate the idea, but how you three feel about it?" There are three nods and we start.

"My name is Utau and I have an eating disorder."

"My name is Kukai, and I don't have a mental illness. But I'm always depressed. I feel like it's crushing me."

"My name is Ikuto, and I'm my dad's personal punching bag." I cover my mouth to hide my gasp. That's so...awful.

"My name is Amu, and I relapsed." I hug my knees to my chest. It's my moment and I couldn't be more queasy. "It's self harm, anyway I can."

Our eyes land on her. Her eyes are filled with tears. Ikuto reaches out, resting a hand on her shoulder. "If you're not ready, we get it." His voice is so gentle, it's like he's a different person. Someone lovable. "Don't force it, alright?"

"My name is Nadeshiko and this should speak for itself." She pulls the scarf from her neck and leans her head back. No one tries to hide their shock. How could something so beautiful hide something so terrible? There is a very long-precise, I shudder-curved scar on her neck. There's no way it's not what we think it is. "Something awful happened and I couldn't live with it anymore."

She wasn't ready for this, not even close. But she's here and she's brave. "Let's talk about something easier, okay?" I suggest gently and she nods, bundling herself in her scarf again. "How about...what's your favorite movie?" I ask, holding a finger out to Kukai.

"Um, Taken? Hell, I don't know." We laugh and move on.

"I really liked The Conjuring." Ikuto says. "But I'm not much of a movie watcher."

"Titanic." Nadeshiko chimes in.

"I don't have one." Utau says. Everyone has at least one movie they like, right?

Then it's me. "Dirty Dancing." I confess.

Utau grins and says all too loudly. "Nobody puts Baby in the corner!"

"That's right," I tilt my head smiling.

It's funny how a month ago, I couldn't have imagined this. It's so different and not in the bad way I expected. These people are funny, and witty. Where's all of this going? So many thoughts have crossed my mind and I just wonder how does this end? Because in the end all I focus on is the ending before I even get through the beginning.

"Alright. What's your favorite color?" Ikuto's dragging his finger through the air with a lazy smirk on his face. "Amu."

"I would say turquoise."

"Definitely, definitely green." From Kukai.

"Me too!" Utau says excitedly.

"Red for me." Nadeshiko says, leaning into the conversation literally.

"Well, I like black. You do too?" He points at my finger nails.

"Yeah, like my heart." It's an over used joke, but every one laughs. I feel light, like I could stay in this conversation forever. But I know it impossible.

So until five, which is the time Ikuto absolutely had to be home, we talked. By the end we were all laying down our heads together. I wish I could have a picture of this moment.

 **Please leave your feedback. Thank you for reading. I've already written the second chapter as well.**


	2. Little by Little

**Another chapter, another letter, another point of view. Enjoy! Leave reviews or advice if you like!**

My name is Utau Hoshina. I don't quite remember how it got this bad. Somewhere in the middle of sophomore and junior year, I couldn't stand the sight of my body. Someone will see me naked someday, like this? It disgusted me and that's when it happened. Eating disorders don't appear over night, and the feelings I have now...

Well, they took a long time to manifest. I didn't realize they were there until after I looked back. It was harmless enough, right? Skipping a few meals didn't hurt much. Then a few meals was all of them and I was running with all I had. I hated running before, but then there's the thigh gap, collarbones. You may call them goals, but then it was bad.

I never had help, just a journal with my calorie intakes.

–

"Utau!" Dad called from the kitchen. "Breakfast is ready; I'll see you after work!" He's out the door before my reply is.

My eyes seem more sunken in today. Has no one really noticed? It's a somber thought. From downstairs, the smell of eggs and sausage drifts up. It smells delicious, but a quick look at the pink journal on my desk shames me. Eat that and no food for the rest of the day. No forget that, none of the breakfast at all.

My time at the park yesterday has not left my mind. It's all I think about. My own voice is echoing inside my head. The cheerfulness wasn't like me, but they didn't realize that. Who knew if happy, anorexic girls exist? My joke doesn't make me smile, or laugh. _It's painful to watch you try so hard. Give up, it's not going to happen._

He's in my head again, and he is neither wanted nor needed. Eveyone has one person who was important to them. Most recently, it was a boyfriend for me. Kairi wasn't someone I loved, or who even loved me. It was a warm body next to me though, and it seemed like enough then. Mutual attraction does not make a relationship.

We resembled two best friends rather than lovers. Despite all the times he tried to help, he caused more damage. It's not his fault. Every one is allowed their own choice. I'll accept this in time. It's a lot to take in, that he left because he couldn't watch this anymore. I was so strict on myself with food, calories, morning runs and when I had to eat, I threw it up. It hurt me on the inside, but not as much as I'm hurting myself.

I don't hear the bus, I just know it's there. 7:34 everyday. I dump the breakfast into my dog's dish and sling my bag over my shoulder. My fingers look so bony as I reach out towards my hoodie. The sprinklers are on across the street, and Leila is barking as I pass. A few elementary kids are running like hell from up the street. As if the bus would leave them.

There's an empty seat near the middle. My bag is beside me with me at the window. The bus never gets full anyways. This is the boring part, stopping every few streets. It always crosses my mind: we're going to be late. Somehow the elderly man at the front always rolls into the parking lot, right on time. It bewilders me.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. Lifting myself off the seat in a semi awkward fashion, I pull it out of my back pocket, then flick the notification bar down. _Amu Hinamori sent you a friend request._ A real smile curves my lips as I accept. _This 'club' is really happening._ So I start scrolling through her profile. Wow, it's funny how she didn't seem this outgoing in person. I find vines, witty one liners, recipes and quite a few pictures.

In the back of my mind, I wonder if she's going through my profile right now.

–

Inside the school the air conditioner must be on high, or low. The colder one is what I'm getting at. My history book falls on my foot as the locker opens. "Fuck." I say lowly. The middle of my foot is throbbing.

"You should organize that." Amu's beside me, opening her locker. "Seems kind of hazardous." I'm seeing that sarcastic sense of humor now. "Are you alright?"

"It's throbbing, but it will stop."

"All things do." We're both quiet as that sinks in. Are we thinking the same thing? "I swear I didn't mean for that so be so depressing." A laugh slips out and we're smiling. "Oh, I wanted to ask you something! Do you have English during third hour with Mr. Takigawa?" I nod. "We're in that class together! I couldn't remember."

She's right, but I already knew that. There was a day I saw the cuts on her wrist in that class. I keep it to myself, unable to say anything serious. "I'll sit by you today." Her pale face lights up, giving me this bubbly feeling in my stomach.

It's feels bold making the first move. It looks like we're both the same amount of desperate for someone. But I know she's not just a body, she might even be a friend.

It's crazy how I'm already changing.

–

I slide in the seat right next to hers, anxious for this class since we talked. Is it pathetic how excited I am just to have someone to sit by? It feels like it, but I'll push away the negative. She's late, and she reminds me of a storm the way she runs through the door, at the very last second. Takigawa shakes his head, but he lifts his eyebrows when she sits by me.

"Alright," He claps his hands together. "I'm not going to be here during this hour. I have some business with a parent. These are the work sheets for today." He hands a section to each head of the row, who begins passing them back. "I want them completed and turned in _before_ you leave."

After grabbing a manilla folder, he exits the room. It's not immediately chaotic, but it's going to get loud. The four boys in the front are notoriously loud and obnoxious. Amu pulls out a pen and starts writing down answers like it's a race. My eyes widen. Oh, my god. She finally notices, and shrugs her shoulder. "I read ahead."

I don't know why it's so funny, but I can't stop laughing. A blush covers her cheeks as she finishes. Our class mates take notice as she hands the paper in, while some of them haven't even written their name. For some of them, that's all they'll do.

"Hinamori, can you help me?" Tadase asks, and she rolls her eyes.

"Letting you copy my answers is not helping you." She hurries back to her seat and lays her head down. "I don't have any friends." She mumbles. "So all I have to do is school work, and I'm always ahead."

"That's okay. I was not laughing at you." Let's clear that up now. "You were writing them down like it was a sport." She giggles.

We carry on a conversation while I fill mine out, which takes the normal amount of time. "Do you think Ikuto or Kukai is cute?" I ask. Please let me be able to have girl talk. God, if you are there please hear my plea.

She checks for anyone listening then whispers in my ear. "I think Ikuto is really cute." Her face is a bit red. "If you tell anyone, I'll deny it though."

Rolling my eyes, I tell her. "Ikuto's cute, but I think Kukai is hotter."

She snorts. "Yeah, okay." You are such a sarcastic little shit. We're both giggling. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

I shake my head "It's kind of hard to." There's no use explaining more. Too much, too soon. "Do you?"

"I'm about as romantic as a water buffalo." She says in a flat tone. "So, no. I've never had a boyfriend."

"Really?" She nods. "Well, do you like anyone?"

"No, I kind of hate people. I'm awkward, and that makes it hard to date someone, don't you think?" She sighs. "It would be nice, but I'm just hoping it will happen eventually."

"It will," It's reassuring. "There's no way it won't. You're beautiful, and anyone who can't see that isn't worth is anyways. You're a good person, I can tell." Amu stares at me in shock, maybe awe, maybe both. "I'm not usually this forward, but I'm past not being able to trust you. No matter what, someone will snatch you up. I can't tell you when obviously. If you get impatient, I'll just get Ikuto for you." My sly comment on the end sets her face on fire.

"You will be the death of me." She jokes. "Thank you. No one's ever said that to me." You looked like you needed it, I think.

"How was your night?" I'm trying to keep the conversation going, until we really get somewhere.

"Uh," She hesitates. "I was at the cemetery." Before the question rolls of my lips, she tells me. "My Papa died about a month ago." Amu bites her lip, fighting tears. "I wanted to see him again." She gets out somehow.

"Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"He had a heart attack, and he passed away while he was in the hospital. I was there." I rub her shoulder, desperate to ease her pain. "Um, I fell asleep in the chair. I woke up when he flat lined." Absolute horror is all I feel. I get it now, why she relapsed. "Sorry. I could have made up a lie and avoided this talk. But I thought you'd rather hear the truth."

"You can absolutely, no matter what, always tell me the truth, or whatever you're thinking." She brushes the hair out of her face. The bell rang, loud and shrill. "Are you going to be okay?" I ask. "If you need to," I point at her wrist. "We can talk it out, if you'd rather."

She shakes her head and I'm not surprised. "I'm okay, really. Thank you again." I smile somberly. "Next time, let's talk about something nicer. Boys. We can talk about boys."

"Alright," It's breath of fresh air from my feelings. For that hour, I forgot what I think about myself.

–

After I get off the bus, at 3:45, I change, and go on a run. The nature trail is behind my house and all I've got to do is meander through some fallen trees to get to the track. The dirt is familiar under my feet. It feels like I'm dying in the eighty degree weather, under this hoodie. It makes me sweat more though, builds me up. My stomach hurts, and it's not a new pain.

My lunch was crackers, which was the side from the cafeteria. At the same time I'm disgusted with my body and with what I'm doing to it. I can't stop. I won't stop. It's determination to be thin that's pushing me forward. My weight is hovering at 140 pounds, and it's not enough.

But I'm wondering when it will be enough.

 **I would like to ask if you know anything about anorexia, personally or generally to tell me about it. That's a new area and I really don't want to make a mockery of it.**

 **-Kelsey**


	3. When the Sky Falls Down

**Kelsey, here. I've noticed time and time again that I just kind of disappear off the face of fanfiction. I work full time now, but I usually write on my breaks. I'm having a problem, feeling that I'm not as descriptive as I used to be. I'm kind of a perfectionist and hate failing. So shoot me a message if you see something I could improve upon. It'd be a great help or if you'd like to beta read for me. I do not have one. I am pretty proud of Nadeshiko's back story. Feels like Reflections to me. Oh and totally message me if you just want friends. I don't have any so. I'll even give you my number. I'm working on a bunch of one shots too, so watch for those. I hope you like it.**

 **Nadeshiko**

It's not like me to be violent. I'm easy to manipulate, to walk all over. It's a personality that I'm ashamed of but too lazy to change. Isn't that terrible of me? Change is hard, while being complacent is so much easier. So what if you say bad things about me? I'll get used to it, and that's it. There are only so many things you can think of to bring me down.

I could write a list, an essay, a novella full of reasons why I refuse to say his name. When the reality is I've said in my head a thousand times. I've screamed it until my throat is raw. Saying it out loud makes it more real. If you don't understand I won't explain it. All I've asked for, prayed for when I'm not religious, is someone to just get it.

Don't make me say it. Ask me what happened, and just listen when I'm ready. It's selfish to expect someone to wait on me. I'm not scared to relive it when I'm ready to say it. I relive that night every day in my thoughts.

You should be careful what you wish for. Because these girls are too damn observant.

–

My name is Nadeshiko. I'm shy, and scared of everything. My mom would tell you I'm being dramatic, begging for someone to love me. She can't explain why that happened overnight, but she's not looking at me rationally anymore. I was supposed to graduate last year, a year early actually. I failed every single exam last May. She looked to me for an explanation and she couldn't imagine a reason why I would disappoint her.

My dad isn't ashamed, but I couldn't tell you why. My whole life has been spent in advanced classes, SAT prep workshops, and tucked away studying. My fall from grace (Mom's words) was too dramatic to reflect my shy personality. Where I had been a soft rain shower, I was suddenly a hurricane. I didn't want to talk, to tell them why I was raped. It's my fault, I told myself. Over and over again until it's all I believed.

Mom asked me "Why were you at a party? If you had been home studying, that never would have happened." My brother had been there defending me like he always has. There's not many times in my life where I've needed protection. There's never been a time where I've regretted having my mother as my mother.

There's a first time for everything. My father is a rough around the edges kind of man, big on the tough love. He loves his family though, and when he was with me after the rape kit, he cried as much as me. Mom and Nagehiko were shopping for his camp. The bravest thing I've done since that party was to come home with my torn clothes and ask, "Will you take me to the hospital?"

No words passed in that car with the only light coming from the street lamps. They didn't have to. Actions are so much louder. The moment he tried to hold me hand I yanked it away as if it burned. I never stopped crying. While we were alone in the hospital room, the proud father I knew begged me to give him a name. I couldn't where I should have.

This boy I knew took so much more than my virginity, or my happiness. He did more than break me, he broke my pillar of strength. He broke me like he'd broken the inside of me.

You judged my mother about three paragraphs ago, and maybe you're right. I know I'm unable to see the evil in my family right now because that's all I've got. She's not the villain, but she's not my hero either. My life is about to change even though I can't imagine how yet.

–

Dad left my laundry on my bed with a note. _I need to talk to you. Come find me when you have time._ My lips curved into a sad smile. This man knew I had nothing but time, what with my zero friends, and slipping grades. He told me to just try my best, and my best would always be more than enough for him. If teachers couldn't accept it, well to hell with them. If there's a hero in my story it's Dad.

I put away all of my clothes to distract myself. Music fills my bedroom from a playlist off of YouTube. I'm meticulous, matching all of my sock in pairs. It's as if my life is a huge oxymoron. I'm meticulous, but then I'm throwing my clothes in haphazard piles trying to find my sweats. There's a spot on the wall where you can see there was a mirror there.

It's just another reason why Dad is the best man alive. When I was so disgusted with myself, and refusing to look at myself he made it easier. He took down every single mirror in this house save the bathroom mirror. After all at some point I have to make sure I'm halfway decent and he has to shave. Sometimes it's as if it's harder on him then on me. Where I feel I'm losing myself, even though just maybe I could grasp recovery if I just stretched my finger out, he's watching from the outside.

His only daughter cannot look at herself, cannot talk about her problems and cannot have weapons in the house. He made me promise. "I'll never do it again." I meant it. Because in this life there are moments of clarity. In those moments, you _know_ how you really feel, what you really want. In my moment, I was laying in our bathroom calling 911 from my cell phone.

If the cut had been deeper-had I _meant_ it- I would be dead. There's never been mental illness, or suicides in my family. However, I will tell you over and over again. There's a first time for everything, bad and good. The memory of my call is as crisp as autumn leaves. "I don't want to die. Oh, my God I've made a mistake. Please help." The dispatcher on the other end stayed on the line probably because it was their job.

If every human being was as cruel as him, I would have been left to die. "You made your choice. Deal with it." My mother told me in the hospital. In all my anger, at the world, at her, at myself I lashed out and came off that bed more determined than I've ever been. I would have hurt her and the desire to scared the hell out of me.

Rage has never been part of who I am. As a person, I was a well rounded high school student, with great grades, and a great family. You know what it takes to bring out who someone really is? Pain. It is time's cruelest teacher, and I felt more pain than should be possible.

"Get the hell away from me." My voice still echoes in my head. It was primal, like a roar. It's only slightly humorous how far I'd gone from the docile daughter.

It resembled smoke clearing, the way we all saw Mom then. Devils don't always have horns, a tail, or a pitch fork. The devil was beautiful, loved by God before he fell. She is a stunning, successful woman who wanted nothing more than to brag about her family. What she didn't want was to be there to ride out storms with them. I never noticed it before then. A hard part of betrayal is how it never comes from someone you don't know.

Dad's heartbroken, but driven by his love for his children. _"You have a hallowed out heart but it's heavy in your chest."_ It's irritating how this music speaks my mind.

The wooden banister is cool against my palm as I make my way down the stairs. This house is so empty compared to a year ago. Our nice furniture is still in place from the sectional to the china cabinet. It's the little things that get me. Mom isn't making dinner with the curtains open. Her Keurig is gone, which she's had forever. The best mom mug is gone like her. Her face is still all over our pictures because I told Dad to leave them.

All he's able to worry about is me. What if seeing her makes me so sad he almost loses me again? You don't have to be brilliant to know his fears and worries. The fact remains that he loved Mom more fiercely than anything. I love her too, no matter what she says. Maybe I'm crazy but I can't write her off yet. There's no way I'll let him either. You're allowed to be sad for yourself and you're allowed to love someone who hurt you.

"Dad?" He's in his work shop outside. "How was work?" I hop up on the desk and sit cross legged. There are gray hairs popping up now from all the stress he's under.

"It was work." That's been his reply for as long as I can remember. "How was your day?"

"I think I made some friends." He dropped his wrench and stared at me. "Four of them actually. We went to the park and talked about everything."

"Everything?"

So I started on this story that seemed too good to be true, but it was. "The counselor at school, Mrs. Ichinose, got five students together. And we all have different problems that we're unable to talk about. It seems like a pretty out of the box idea for a counselor, right? So, what happened is we all wrote a letter about ourselves to just vent. It felt great because no one had to read it. At the end of the day today we all found our letter still sealed." I bit my lip, worried how he'd react. "It felt kind of like a trust exercise to me but it worked. So we met in the park and we talked a little about our lives.

"It turned out too be hard right now, but we talked about favorite colors, and our favorite movies. I forgot that I was supposed to hate myself."

He inhaled sharply. "I'm so happy for you." Dad looks like he'd cry if he was the crying kind of man. "Tell me about them."

"You won't judge them?" I ask hopefully. "I know you can't judge me but they have problems too and you used to keep me away from people you deemed a bad influence."

"Baby, anyone that can make you light up like that can't be bad for you."

"There's two girls: Amu and Utau. There's two boys: Kukai and Ikuto. Amu cuts herself. It's a little weird thinking about that because I cut myself once and I don't think I could keep up with hiding all of that." He chuckles. "Utau, she's anorexic. I think it's obvious if you know what you're looking for. She's beautiful, and I hate that she feels like that. Like she's not good enough. She's more than enough. They all are, and I hope they realize that.

"Kukai is depressed often and I saw the prescription bottle in his bag. We didn't dwell on why, and maybe he can't explain it. He might be on anti-depressants in an effort to help. Ikuto's problem is what disturbs me the most. You're my dad and I know you would never ever hurt me. His dad abuses him. Ikuto said that he was his own personal punching bag. I can't imagine a parent doing that. Then I couldn't believe what Mom said to me either."

"Some people aren't made to be parents. The real tragedy is that children are punished for their misgivings."

"But it was the best day I've had even before the whole last year happened. I felt really happy." He smiled, but it fell. "Did you need to talk to me about Mom?" He nods solemnly, and my heart clenches. "It's okay. Go ahead and tell me."

He pulls out a manilla envelope and my stomach falls. Because I already know the words that come tumbling out moments later. "She's done, isn't she?" I ask quietly. No matter how I wished, this is happening.

"I was served the divorce papers today. By her at work actually. It was quite humiliating." I stared at his steel toe boots, tears burning my eyes. "Shiko," That's been my nick name forever but it doesn't soothe my fears this time.

"Don't tell me it's okay!" His calloused hand rests on my shoulder. "It's not okay. I tried to run away from my miniscule problems and I made her run away from you!"

"Don't you ever believe what your mother said! Your life is going to be different because of your traumas. If she knew how to be a mother, she wouldn't add this to the pile." My bottom lip is trembling. "This isn't your fault. It wasn't a perfect marriage. While none are, she didn't always do her part. I'm not blaming _anyone_ for our divorce, least of all, you. She made you feel ashamed for things you're unable to control. You are the brave one here, and she is the biggest coward I've ever met."

I look at him with tears running down my face. "I don't want to lose her though."

"None of us do." He wrapped his arms around me very slowly. I cried into his shoulder wishing again.

I wished for the millionth time that I'd never been born.


	4. Reaching Out

**I'm gonna be honest here. I don't know when I'm going to work in Ikuto and Kukai's letters in, but I want it to be meaningful. So maybe next chapter, but no promises.**

The bell rang and I already wanted to skip. Gym is the farthest thing from fun. Hear me out for a minute. It's not that I'm lazy. In fact, I'll play soccer all day long, no problem. The problem is that today is a Friday.

Fridays at this high school means a few things. One: we get to leave campus for our hour long lunch. Two: There is always a small pep rally. Friday night lights or whatever. Three: Gym activities were put to a vote in Ms. Nozomi's class.

And they always pick dodgeball. It is such a filthy word. Maybe I'm too dramatic. I just despise that stupid game so much. Somehow I always get a stupid rubber ball to my face. And then there's the locker room, which I will also always hate. It's awkward and every perfume in the world has been sprayed.

Utau stares at me impatiently. "Are you coming? I have history?" Lucky.

"Gym." I say, already mad. "'I'll see you at lunch, okay?" She nods, clearly still confused. We part ways without another word.

Our gym classes are co-ed. Separate locker rooms of course. That's not to say that boys haven't tried to sneak a peek. It wouldn't be high school if you could say that.

I've realized that I share at least once class with everyone. It's a small school. I share one class with Ikuto and utau. I should ask her how many she shares. So far, Utau has been the easier to carry on a conversation with. I'm more excited than I should be to get to know Nadeshiko.

She's such a quiet person. While there have been chances to talk, I just haven't had the nerve to take any yet. She made me nervous to talk and I didn't have a clue as to where to start.

But the one person I'm absolutely not going to approach first is Ikuto. No, it's not because I told Utau he's cute. I totally could have moved past that. No it's because the day after I met him I learned two things.

First of all, he's extremely well-liked. I'm not sure why that came as a surprise. He'd seemed very brooding to me, but maybe that was just a facade. He's really good with people. There's not an awkward bone in his body. Second of all, he's always in the spotlight on Friday's. Probably because he's on the football team. (Which he totally forgot to mention. But I guess none of us were keen on sharing.)

Yeah, well,apparently he's really good at playing whatever position he plays.

Let's just say I do go over there and say hi. I don't know any of those people, nor do they know me. Who's to say Ikuto would even act like he knows me? I don't think he'd give me cold shoulder. The fact is that I don't know what he'd do, so I will just avoid the situation altogether. Speak of the devil. I pass him on the way to our class. He looks at me as I pass, but doesn't say hi.

The locker room isn't full when I slip in the door. On the food chain I am not the king nor am I the pariah. I'd say I coast the middle, probably because I avoid everyone. I slip into my black shorts and tug a red long sleeve shirt over my head. Then comes the real challenge: finding a hair tie in this bag of mine.

I'm tying my hair as I walk onto the freshly buffed gym floor. We always have class in the 'new gym'. We can't wear our regular shoes in here because it could get scratched. Which I haven't ever believed. Do I keep my socks on? Hell no. That's just asking to slip and fall. Too much attention for me. Speaking of which, there's a group of boys to my right running and sliding.

Three.

Two.

One.

Thud,

Okay, so maybe that's not what happened, but it would have been great. I sit there cross legged in all my boredom until our teacher appears.

The moment Nozomi enters the gym it is strictly business. We do our daily stretches, which is fine. But the crunches kill me every time.

Nozomi always shows favoritism to the more athletic ones. Tadase and Ikuto are the team captains standing beside each other, taking turns. Tadase picks me on the fifth pick. Then it gets to the bottom of the barrel.

Our team takes the south side of the gym and theirs takes the north. It's an old fashioned stare down as the two sides form two lines. I roll my eyes while I lean against the wall, arms crossed. At the sound of the whistle they're all gone, flying towards the middle. There are always a few kids who put the dodge in dodgeball and I'm one of them. On the other side there a few slackers cowering. They only need the credit and the only reason I'm here is because my mom wants me in this class.

Now maybe this is just my class, but I swear to god they throw as hard as they can. God, does Nozomi give them bonus points if they render someone unconscious? Otherwise, it would be fine to let yourself get hit, just to get out. But when you get out, not only do you get a massive whelp, but you also have to sit by Nozomi. She always smells like she needs a shower. Even if she just took one. There's an equal reason to try to get out, or stay in the game.

However, I'll take my chances on the court. Dodgeballs are flying as I'm flat against the wall. Soon I'll be moving as we lose people. (As I lose shields.) They go one by one from both sides. Balls occasionally come near me. I've managed to dodge them all so far. But I try to get them to someone with a good arm on my team. My choices are getting slimmer now though.

"Hinamori, stop acting like a ballerina and start playing!" Our teacher yells.

The distraction gives someone an opening. "Duck." Tadase instructs me and I drop into a squatting position. The ball hits someone behind me instead. I don't have a clue who threw the ball. Only that I was pissed off now. Finally there's one person opposite from me and two on my side. Ikuto was face to face with Tadase and I.

I have to get out before he does or my hour goes from bad to worse. "Stop moving and start playing." He grumbles.

"It is called dodgeball." I say to him, knowing if Tadase gets hit, we're done for. I'm just not good at this game. He doesn't have the best aim either, but it's better than me. I smile when Ikuto rears his arm back-

-And misses me completely.

It's not because he's got a bad arm. In fact that was amazing. Too bad he's already got another ball in his hands. His eyes don't leave my frame as he pulls his arm back again and lets the ball fly. I move the moment it leaves his hand.

My eyes grow huge as I realize what just occurred. "You faked me out?" I seethe, seeing Tadase flat on his back. He smirks as he tosses another ball back and forth. Just waiting for Tadase to hobble off the court. "You gonna hit me that hard too?" I ask. He doesn't reply.

I huff extra mad now and push both of my sleeves up. His eyes drift to my wrist, but I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do. Both teams are yelling at both of us. They're cheering even though one of us is a lost cause against the other.

I'm not enduring the awkwardness of a staredown. Not with anyone. So I throw and I miss. Naturally.

"Catch the ball!" Someone yells.

This is just too much eye contact for my whole life. I mean enough is enough. He throws the ball hard and I stumble back on a prayer. My hands fly up and I think for a split second, I can do this. But I'm dreadfully wrong as I don't catch the ball at all. My whole body hurts from impacting with the floor. But the same things happens most Fridays.

"You're bleeding!" Ikuto says loudly and rushes towards me. There's not a lot of fuss when someone falls. I mean, did you see Tadase wipe out? It's because of the boy in front of me though. He's kneeling in front of me. I reach up to my nose and it's bleeding everywhere. "Keep your sleeves down." He whispers, tearing them down before I even get a chance. "Check your cuts. You may have reopened some." It would explain the stinging I felt right now.

The coach rushes up to us, but definitely not out of concern. "What are you sitting there for? Don't bleed on the floor! Go to the nurse!"

UGH.

"Stupid, precious gym floor. Bastard could have broken my nose and she says 'don't bleed on the floor'." The cafeteria noise is deafening around us as I'm mid rant. Nadeshiko, Utau, and Kukai are amused as I gripe and flail my arms around.

"Are you glaring at him?" Kukai asks. My cold glare cuts to him.

"Did you listen to anything I just said?" It's true. Ikuto is innocently getting lunch across the room and I'm glaring at him as if I shoot lasers from my eyes.

"How has everyone's day been?" Kukai asks, ignoring my hostility.

"Boring," Utau says.

"It's been a long day." Nadeshiko says, dipping her pizza in ranch. Nevermind that it's only lunch.

"Hey," Utau says suddenly. "Do you want to go to the football game tonight? Ikuto just invited us and says he'll pay for the tickets." She slides her phone to the middle of the table to show us the Facebook conversation.

"What are the chances he will get hit in the face with a ball?" They smile at my stupid question.

"Slim to none." Utau says, but I agree to go anyways.

Nadeshiko clears her throat. "My dad has to meet anyone I go out with." She says, looking uncomfortable.

"That's no problem." I say, taking note of the relief I see on her face. "I park by the auditorium. White truck, extended cab." But then I have a better idea. "Why don't we just meet at my locker after school?" The all agree.

Just as the boy to my right opens his mouth to talk, someone cuts him off. "Here's the money for the tickets." Ikuto says as he slides the money onto the table. He stands between Kukai and I. "I won't be able to come meet you. Sit in the student section though."

I pale at his request. For as long as anyone remembers the student section has always been called Riot Squad. They were crazy at games. "Anyways, they had some extra shirts, so I got some. I guessed at the sizes."

"Isn't that stealing?" Nadeshiko says flatly. He shrugs. "Don't blame us if you get in trouble." She scolds in what is probably the most polite scolding I've ever witnessed.

"I won't. Hey," he taps my shoulder. "How's the nose?"

"Still sore." I tell him. "I bled for a while."

"I didn't think you would try to catch the ball." He states as if they makes it alright.

"Well, I wasn't going to stand there dodging the rest of the hour."

"Sorry."

"That is the worst apology I think I've ever heard. You could at least act sincere." Everyone laughs, even him.

"You should change into the shirts now though." Because of the pep rally we will endure later. "I'll come find you after the game tonight."

The four of us meet at my locker after school. Ikuto more or less got the sizes right. Utau's shirt is extra baggy, but he may have done that on purpose. Mine wasn't skin tight, just more snug than I prefer. Nadeshiko's was too long, but it couldn't be helped. I'm pretty sure Kukai and Ikuto wear the same size though.

They follow me to my truck. Papa's truck actually, but now it's mine. All I can think about when we get in is how it still smells like is deoderant in here. It's not the time to cry though, I know. "I live by the courthouse." I nod and pass through the stop light. The radio is on a newest hit stations, namely pop.

It comes out of nowhere when Kukai starts singing along. Let me rephrase that, he starts rapping. Utau can't stop laughing as he never misses a beat, or a word. I'm astounded by the fact that he can rap and by the fact that he knows a Nicki Minaj song. I don't sing along on the normal parts, despite that fact that I want to. I tap my left foot along with the beat though. At the end of the song he is breathless.

"That was awesome." He says. "Why thank you!" He says, rolling his eyes because no one complimented him. Utau is giggling beside him as Nadeshiko points me where to go.

They need nicknames. I can't keep saying all of their names. It's a total mouthful. "After this stop sign turn left and it's the first driveway on the right."

Her house is a breathtaking two story, complemented by a white picket fence, and a very pretty dog just waiting to be pet. I am going to pet that dog before we leave. The moment we are out of the truck, her dog runs up to her and sits at her feet.

"Hi, Miki." She says, kneeling to pet her head. Miki barks at us, and gets in front of her owner. I kneel down and put the back of my hand out. She very slowly comes to me and I try not to even breathe. She sniffs my hand for maybe ten seconds and then wags her tail.

"Who's a good girl?" I ask in a voice you only use for animals and babies. "Yeah,"I say ruffling her hair. "You are." Miki sniffs the others but I'm not sure her mind is made up quite yet.

Nadeshiko leads us inside. Her house is as beautiful on the inside as it is outside. "Dad?" She calls and I hear heavy footsteps. Her father is a large man. He's wiping the oil off of his hands with a dirty scrap of fabric. That's what my grandpa always did as well. Just cut up old dirty shirts.

The moment he sees us though is something I won't forget. He looks thrilled to meet his daughter's friends. I never stop to think maybe we were the only friends she had. "Hello," He says, almost tripping over a fan. "I'd shake your hands, but," he waves his hands in the air. Nadeshiko looks mortified as her dad attempts to make jokes.

"We're going to a football game tonight." She tells him. "Our friend is playing."

"Oh? That sounds fantastic. How much is it for a ticket?" He's already fishing his wallet out of his pocket.

"Our friend, Ikuto, already paid for them." She explains, putting her hand on the wallet, closing it. "He gave us shirts too."

"I remember those! I still have mine if you want to see it." He sounds so excited. None of us are going to crush him.

"Sure!" I tell him and that's all it takes. He's gone and is probably digging through his closet.

"Are you thirsty?" She leads us to the kitchen. "It's going to be a long night." She says smiling.

I agree, but I think I'm excited for it too.

 **Football game is next chapter because I plan on it being a looooong chapter. Guess who's back, back again. So I'm on vacation till May 4th, so hopefully I will get to update a lot. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. On wattpad I am under the same name, but it didn't post last time. Leave advice if you have any. Also if you support me as a writer pretty, pretty please read my original on WattPad.**

 **-Kelsey.**


	5. Overtime

**Kukai's letter, but not his point of view. Amu's for right now. But rest assured, his will come later at the right time. Also if you read this the first time it was uploaded I am so sorry. Somehow it was condensed into one HUGE paragraph.**

It was when I thought I couldn't hate myself anymore that someone gave me a reason to. How do you suppose I be honest in this letter if I can't be honest with myself? None of this makes sense to me. I was a happy kid with happy parents. Nothing traumatized me. Nobody died. I had excellent grades all the way through junior high and now I'm here.

Begging for extra credit projects because I won't graduate without them. I'm not an emotional guy. I make jokes and move on from the bad. It's like the negatives are always following me.

Nobody is perfect.

And that's the problem.

* * *

If you are expecting detailed updates from this game, prepare to be severely disappointed. It's not going to happen because no one learns football in two hours. Also, I didn't bother to try. "I'll just cheer when our side cheers." I say, making the all too tight turn into my narrow driveway. "Not like I'm about to learn everything."

"Not like you could try." Kukai throws at me sarcastically. Oh, God, the two of us were so sarcastic and the banter was fantastic. I'm distracted from his banter because that rhymed so well. Should have said it out loud.

I didn't tell Mom I was going out, but I doubt there would be a problem. I was going to leave a note on the fridge because there's no way she'll be able to answer a phone call right now. Meetings and what have you. I just want out of these terrible sweat pants. I can't go in these. Every girl there will be dressed up.

They sit in my living room as I run to my room. Immediately I'm digging through all of my clothes. Where are those jeans? It takes ten minutes, but I find them. I put my belt on because I'll be jumping around.

They are sitting in the same spots as when I left them. I'm not sure they've even talked to each other. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah." Utau says quietly.

"What's wrong?" It has to be something.

"We saw this on the coffee table." She handed me the papers from the funeral. "We weren't trying to pry!"

"It's okay, really. It's just hard to talk about." Utau already knew about my Papa, and I did think it was fair for the others to know as well. "Don't be upset about him, okay? See, I'm fine. We should have a good night. Don't we deserve it?" I wanted to cry and say how it wouldn't be okay with my best friend gone. I couldn't do that to them though. They've been so nice about this and I don't want to talk about this right now.

They follow me out the door and I'd like to say the brochure was forgotten by all of us, but really? I don't think any of us stopped thinking about it.

* * *

Apparently a lot of people are early for these games, buying snacks from the concession stands, seeing their boyfriends before they played. You name it. We could have gone to wish him luck, but we decided snacks were a great option too. We would see him after and we would cheer extra loud for him. So I said.

"You've never had a funnel cake?" Nadeshiko is in shock of my statement. "We're going to fix that right now." She waves someone over. "Two funnel cakes please." She hands them the money, then crams the change in her pockets. This place is packed. He hands two plates over to her and hands one to me. "Want to go sit down while we eat?"

"Sure." We actually forgot to even tell the other two, but surely they will figure it out. "We haven't really talked, have we?" She shakes her head, mouth chock full of food. I laugh at her expression. "Your cheeks are so huge right now." She blushes. "Well, honestly, I've been a little scared to talk to you. You're not scary, you're just so quiet and I don't know what to say."

I could absolutely punch myself right now for rambling. "It's okay. I'm scared to talk to everyone." I laugh, taking a bite finally. I whip my head up to look at her. "It's good, isn't it?"

"Yes." I say, but it sounds like I have a lisp because my mouth is already full. After swallowing, I plunge into our conversation. "Do you know anything about football?"

"My brother played, but I don't remember much." She shrugs. "No matter how much you get teased for it, cheering when your side does doesn't hurt anything."

"Ask me a question. It's the only way i know how to get to know someone." Honesty is the best policy, right?

"Do you remember me at all from last year?"

"I don't." I admit. "Were you a new student this year?"

She shakes her head. "I was supposed to graduate last year. A year early." She tells me with her eyes on the field. Our football team was starting to pour out of the field house. "I didn't know any of you either."

"The only person I knew of is Ikuto." I tell her. "And that's only because I'd seen him around."

"How much do you think Ms. Ichinose knows about us?"

"I don't know. She didn't read our letters." It doesn't reassure her. "Hey!" I say loudly as she steals a bite of my funnel cake. "Didn't you have your own?" I didn't even think that she was changing the subject, not even a little.

"There you are!" Kukai grumbles, walking, more like clobbering, to our bench. "You just left us?" He sounded awfully betrayed, but it was hard to take him seriously with his mouth crammed full of food. "Ikuto!" He cups his hands around his mouth and yells. Ikuto and the whole rest of his team turn to look at us. While Kukai is waving wildly, I hide behind Nadeshiko's back.

"When does this start?"

"Seven." Nadeshiko had actually done some research before we got here. "We're going to be surrounded by people." The student section is always packed and I already hated it.

"We could move." I suggest hopefully.

"We wore the shirts. We have to sit here." Kukai defends.

"But do we have to sit in the front?"

"We told him we would." Utau points out. "Just focus on us and not everyone else. We'll have fun." With the way my stomach is twisting I found it hard to believe that. "Has he been waving the whole time we've been talking?"

I giggle as we see him waving at us, helmet off. I wave back, and return to my funnel cake. "I'm going to need more of this."

The cheerleaders come out before the game ready to yell at the top of their lungs. Our routines are always lame in comparison to the other team. It's been the same every year with small tweaks. They're barely noticeable. During basketball season we had Pom Squad. Which is way cooler.

Students were pouring into the Riot Squad section and I just kept my eyes in front of me. The football boys were in a huddle. The other team was running in front of their stands, waving their hands and screaming at the top of their lungs. I didn't know until someone said it behind me. This team is our rival. Their school is across the city. You could feel the feud between sides.

"Hey," Someone pokes me in the back. "You've gotta scream." The girl explains.

"Excuse me?" I say, puzzled.

"The Riot Squad's are going to see who can make more noise." It sounds stupid, but everyone is excited. I can't be the odd one out.

"Okay." I tell her. "Thanks. I don't really know what's going on."

"That's okay. We always need more help."

The cheerleading coach takes center field with a megaphone. "Are you ready to make some noise?" She yells into the megaphone. Her over the top cheery attitude has always made me cringe.

"YES!" The crowd erupts into screaming around us and we join in, jumping to our feet.

You need to not care about what everyone else thinks.

"THREE!" She counts down with her fingers midair. "TWO!" I watch carefully. "ONE!" It's like you can hear everyone inhale, preparing. "SCREAM!"

I jump up and down just like everyone around me. And it's so fun. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and Utau grabs mine and Nadeshiko's hands. She thrusts them into the air. Who knew I could scream for so long. Ikuto watches us while he's screaming and shoots us a thumbs up. Maybe I'm the only one who noticed because I'm the only one who sent one back. It's hard to overpower the rivaling side. We're both equally loud, but we need just a little more to tip us over the edge.

I inhale again, and let out the loudest I could, which turns out was louder than my first attempt. It's not because of me that we win. But we do and that's all anyone cares about. "Yes!" I yell, fist pumping the air.

* * *

It starts and I'm very upset that I don't know about football. I decide to learn when I get home so next time, I'll know. Maybe Ikuto could tell me some things. It's a blast cheering with everyone. Maybe I don't know much, but I know what a touchdown is and I know that we are close to winning. The score is 56 to 61 with us behind.

"Just a little more!" I yell, still jumping. I've not a clue why everyone wants to jump the whole time, but my legs feel like jello. "How long have we been here?" I ask loudly over the crowd.

"It's eight thirty two." Nadeshiko says. She's got a huge grin on her face. I don't think I've ever seen her look genuinely happy. "Should be over by nine." I'm struck by a thought that is not at all like me. I didn't want this night to end. I'd gotten a taste of what all I'd been missing.

What else was I missing?

"Oh, my God. Ikuto has the ball!" Utau said as she grabbed my shoulders and shook me.

"Ikuto!" I scream, and he looks at me for a moment. "GO!" I wave my hands frantically. "COME ON!" My friends are wide eyed and laughing.

"I thought you didn't know anything about football?" Kukai says.

"I don't! But I know if he makes it, we win." I continue yelling.

I even grab the railing in front of me and lean forward. Ikuto passes the stands running while his teammates keep him from being tackled. This is apparently a pretty violent sport. He's ten feet from the end zone. My screams are standing out from the crowd anymore. Ikuto passes through and throws the ball down. He pumps the air and yells.

"We won?" I ask, because I'd hate to be sure and then be wrong.

"We won!" Utau shrieks and pulls me in for a tight hug. With her spare arm she wrestles Nadeshiko into the mix. Everyone is pouring out of the stands and onto the field.

"I'm going to go get a drink." Nadeshiko says. "But I'll meet you guys down there." Kukai had already jumped the railing.

"Jump!"

Utau listens to him, and lands gracefully. "No way!" I tell them. "I'll just meet you down there." It won't take long to go down the stairs.

"Oh come on. I'll catch you." He says.

"That won't work. Instead of arguing about it, I should go to the stairs."

"Why won't it work?" He argues just like I knew he would.

"My weight and the force behind the jump will cause you to jump." I tell him. But he doesn't believe me.

"Just trust me!"

"I do trust you, idiot! I just know you're wrong and I'm right!"

"Rude!" He exclaims, putting a hand over his heart. "You wound me."

"Oh? I'm gonna wound you now!" I grumble. I try to just jump over smoothly. It doesn't work, so I just topple over it. Kukai does not catch me. We both fall to the ground. He just breaks my fall. "I told you this would happen!" I groan, picking dirt out of my hair.

"Yeah, but it was fun wasn't it."

I gasp. "DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE WRONG?" He just laughs as I wipe dirt off of me. "How dare you!"

"What is going on over here?" Ikuto says, walking up to us, helmet dangling from his fingertips. He's smirking.

"She's clumsy and fell off the railing. I swear I told her not to jump, but she did. I was just trying to help her. Honestly I'm just feeling so attacked right now."

My jaw is just hanging open as I stare at him. "What? You dirty little liar." It's a sight for eyes as I try to pummel him into the ground. Utau and Ikuto carry on a conversation behind us.

"I was thinking pizza, what about you?" He says.

"Not super hungry." She says, but we remember. Utau is anorexic. It's not my place to worry if she's ate today or to try and persuade her to eat. "But yeah, I could eat one slice."

I have a feeling she hasn't ate anything and that's why she'll eat something so greasy. "Pizza sounds amazing." Kukai exclaims while I'm attempting to wrap my arms around his neck.

"That's now how you do a head lock." Ikuto says, watching us.

"Then help me if you're so smart!" Kukai caused my hostility to come out. I'll be damned if I didn't get some kind of pay back. No sooner had I let go of his neck Ikuto had flipped him around and put him an actual headlock. "That's what you get for being a liar." You know I hadn't thought ahead about something. I wouldn't be strong enough to make him beg for mercy.

Ikuto is however and he followed through without a request. Kukai gasped for air as he tried to escape, but couldn't. He slapped Ikuto's biceps and he dropped him to grass. "Okay, Hulk." He says, rubbing his neck.

"Where is Nadeshiko?"

"She said she was getting a drink and she'd meet us here." I say. "But that was a while ago." I don't know how much time had passed without her. "Let's go find her." They follow me as I take a shortcut beneath the bleachers. "Maybe there's just a long line at the concessions." But as we round the corner, there is a figure against the wall, with someone leaning into them. "Nadeshiko!" I yell, but there is a dark feeling in the pit of my stomach. Whoever it is strokes her cheek before walking away.

Immediately she collapses. I sprint towards her, nearly forgetting to duck under a steel beam. "Hey, are you okay?" I place a consoling hand on her shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" She smacks my hand away hard. My surprise is written all over my face. "I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"It's fine. Who is he?" I'm straight to the point.

"He's an ex-boyfriend." Her voice is shaky as if her voice could give out like her legs had. "I'm okay." She lies through her teeth to us.

I want to ask her the truth, to ask her why she needs to lie to us. If anyone could understand, couldn't we? I tell myself if she has to lie, it must be bad. If she wanted to tell us, she would. And maybe she just didn't want to tell us yet.


	6. You Just Can't Forget

**I don't own Shugo Chara!**

The five of us piled into my truck. It's a tight fit. Of course no one wanted to sit next to Ikuto. He didn't smell that bad, really. He's just absolutely drenched in sweat. Utau, Nadeshiko, and Kukai cram themselves into the back. Ikuto sits in the passenger seat to my left. "Did you enjoy the game?" I nod.

"It was fantastic! I thought our team was terrible!" Kukai exclaims. It's hard to remember there are times he is secluded in his own sadness. I've realized there's only one time Kukai smiles genuinely. It's when he is with us.

"What?" Ikuto says. "We've never been terrible. You must have heard about the other team. Where do you want to eat?" No one answers. I guess they decided against pizza.

"How about ice cream?" Utau suggests. "It's not food, but is anyone actually hungry?" They carry on this conversation as I drive. "We should go to Cherry Berry!"

"I've never been." I say and am met with an awkward silence.

"We're definitely going to Cherry Berry." Kukai says. I follow their directions, but I just can't tear my eyes from Nadeshiko. There are suspicions twisting in the pit of my stomach. She smiled the whole night beside me in the stands, but now there is a scowl on her face. She stares out the window and I know there is nothing we can do.

If she wants to talk, she will. I repeat this to myself because it's not my place to question her. Not once had anyone had the audacity to ask me about self-harm. The problem is that this is a pain I inflict by choice. Her ex-boyfriend had caused something. It's not her choice. Is he harassing her? Okay, now I need ice cream. I told them hours earlier we deserve a good night.

I deserve a good night. Don't ruin it for yourself.

"Stop thinking so much." Ikuto says to me after they've gotten out. "You're going to psych yourself out." He says and then unbuckles his seat belt. "Now come on. We are going to have a good night even if it kills you."

I smile at him and bound up to Utau. I loop my arm through Nadeshiko. Something bad has happened to all of us. Those things don't have to be discussed today. We have so much time. Why rush this? Pizza had been thrown out the window as soon as we stepped inside. I kid you not, it's like a dream come true. The boys are already rushing in front of us, asking for samples of each flavor.

 _Boys will be boys._

There is a wide variety of flavors from fruity too sweet in front of me. "They have a chocolate flavor that you can mix with cheesecake flavor." Utau gushes excitedly.

"I hate chocolate." I admit and am met with a shocked look. "From the look on your face, you'd think I told you a puppy died." She waves me off.

"Who hates chocolate?" She says loudly to get the boys' attention. I roll my eyes and look at flavors.

"You have all of these flavors, and you choose Vanilla?" Ikuto teases. I whirl around to see him standing there. His cup is filled to the top and over. There are different toppings.

"Yours looks like someone threw up." I say. "Are you really going to eat all of that?"

"Of course! I might even get a second bowl." He laughs. "The look on your face in priceless!"

"I mean, where do you put all that? That's a ton of food." Ikuto chuckles, and leads me to the toppings. "I'm coming here all of the time now!" I say after laying my eyes on what is basically heaven.

"We can come after all the games if you like." He tells me while I dump a spoonful of snickers bits on top. "What's that look for?"

"We're invited to all of your games?" I tilt my head to the side. It sounds so fun. If Friday night is like tonight, I'd be more than okay with that. Even with dodgeball.

"Of course!" He looks so surprised at my question. "Why would you even have to ask?"

"Um," I shrug my shoulders, glad no one else is listening. "Because I don't have any friends?" I say it as a question. I don't watch his face. In the end there are snickers bits, white chocolate bits, cookie dough bites, and brownies on top of my ice cream with some whipped cream. Ikuto has not said a word yet and now the familiar feeling is clawing inside my stomach.

"You have friends now." He says lamely. I still smile as I pay. "And I'd like you to come to every game. Out of everyone screaming, I could always pick out your voice." My cheeks turn slightly pink.

"I'll scream less next time." I say.

Ikuto leads me to the others in a large booth. He shakes his head. "It's a good thing. Don't stop."

Our conversation is cut short when we are dragged into a ridiculous argument. "Star Wars or Harry Potter?" Kukai slaps his palm on the table. "Don't you dare laugh. This is serious. Nadeshiko says Harry Potter is better!"

"I think it's Star Wars." Utau interjects. Surely she isn't just saying that because Kukai is cute.

"No way. Harry Potter, hands down." Ikuto says and then there are four sets of eyes on me. I try to eat my frozen yogurt and stay out of the debate. After all, I have no opinion. "Amu, what do you think?"

"I think this is really good." I shove another spoonful in my mouth. They know I'm avoiding the conversation now. They stare at me until I just can't take it anymore. "Okay!" I exclaim, dropping my spoon. "I've never seen either!"

All four of them stare at me with wide eyes. "WHAT?" They ask loudly, drawing the attention of everyone in the building.

"I haven't read Harry Potter, nor have I watched the movies. I have not seen Star Wars either." It was as if I committed a grave sin, punishable by death.

"That's unacceptable." Nadeshiko says, baffled. "We need to fix that. It takes about twenty hours to watch all of the movies. That does not include bonus features, or discussions though. We could pull an all-nighter over Christmas break." She and Ikuto begin to seriously decide how much money to spend on snacks, and drinks. Should they buy the movies or rent them? "Are you kidding? I own all of the movies and books!"

Ikuto is pleased. "Yeah, we can watch them and they can have their lame marathon of Star Wars movies." He says, waving the other two off. But it's closer to twenty-five hours." My face is very pale as I begin to process their plans. Plans that I had no say so in. "Plus there's bathroom breaks, then we have unplanned interruptions."

"Then the three of us can watch Star Wars over Christmas break then too!" Kukai says, glaring at Ikuto. Talk about a quick way to turn friends into enemies. "The Force Awakens comes out later this year, so you'll be all caught up to go!"

Utau rubs her hands together. "Perfect! May the best fandom win! Which by the way is Star Wars." They shuffle around. Harry Potter on one side and Star Wars on the other. With me right in the middle.

"No way. 'After all this time? Always.' That's the best damn quote ever." Ikuto fires back passionately. Nadeshiko lays the back of her hand against the forehead.

"Tears me up every time." She says.

"I love you." Utau blurts out and I'm left in a state of confusion.

"I know." Kukai says. Did I miss something? Utau's cheeks turn pink. "That's the best quote. Han Solo and Princess Leia." He says and I watch as Utau finally lets out the breath she'd been holding.

"I'm so glad you were paying attention." She says to Kukai. "It would have been so awkward if you hadn't said Han Solo's line!" I don't point out that it was awkward anyways."

"With any luck, you guys will forget. I mean we have a couple months." I say nervously. "You're not going to, are you?" They shake their heads. "Hopefully I will like both then."

"There can only be one." Ikuto tells me while he steals a piece of brownie from my cup.

"This seems to serious to be about movies." I say, pulling my cup back.

"Just movies?" Nadeshiko echoes. "They're not just characters. They're a life style. I grew up watching Harry, Ron, and Hermione."

"Okay." I interrupt before another debate breaks out. "Maybe we should change the subject. There are no sides. So let's try to be nice."

"Do or do not. For there is no try." Kukai fires off.

"Oh, that's it! It's on!" Ikuto slaps his palms against the table. "Harry Potter is so much better! Amu will tell you that. Just wait!" With that sentence, Ikuto wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me towards him.

I can't breathe. He's pulled me into the curve of his body. Ikuto is very warm and his hand feels foreign against the skin on my arm. I stare at Utau. "Get me out of here." I mouth.

Kukai reaches and grips my wrist. Not sure if he saw my plea, but I'm thankful anyways. "Star Wars is so better. She'll tell you." I've been pulled against Kukai, which is totally not as awkward and being tucked into Ikuto's side. Utau gives me a thumbs up under the table.

I worm my way back to my original seat. "See me?" I ask. "I'm neutral, Switzerland. Don't drag me into your debates." Now I can't get out unless I crawl beneath the table. While I tend to flee from humiliating situations, I may just crawl out.

"You're scaring her away!" Utau grumbles.

"Oh? We're scaring her away? Look at you man handling her." Ikuto scoffs.

"You man handled her too!" Kukai says. "Should I demonstrate for you?"

"Absolutely not." You think I said that? Well, I didn't. I almost did. However, that was Ikuto's voice.

"Why's that?" Utau says slowly, smirking.

"Oh, look at the time!" I say. What was I planning on saying after that? "Excuse me. I need to go to the restroom." I don't wait for either side to let me out. With a quick look around for any owners, I stand in the booth and jump right over Ikuto and Nadeshiko. Please don't let me fall. "Come on," I growl at Utau, and grab her by her ear. "If you don't want to be like Picasso, you will follow me right now."

We walk to the bathroom, which I realize is only for one person. Of course, I see that after we're inside. "What?"

"Don't you play innocent with me." She giggles. "Did he really say that or am I imagining things again?"

"Do you imagine Ikuto often?" She asks with a huge grin on her face. I open and close my mouth, trying to think of something to say. "I'll wait."

"Do you _actually_ like Star Wars? Or is that just for Kukai?"

"Not even close. I love Star Wars. It just means I have excellent judge of character. He's hot and loves Star Wars."

"How many times are you going to say Star Wars?" I joke.

"I already lost count." She admits. "He likes you." Utau tells me.

"There's absolutely no way. I've known him for like a week. Besides he only grabbed me because of this silly argument."

"Maybe that's true. But what about when he told Kukai he couldn't grab you?"

"I'm sure he realizes how uncomfortable I feel." I don't have a clue as to why he denied Kukai, but I can't think about it too much. I will drive myself crazy until I ask him.

Hey, so do you like me?

It's not a conversation I ever want to have.

"Right." She drags out.

"He wants us to come to every game. Ikuto also said we should come here after too." I bite my lip, warring with myself. "I don't know why I'm embarrassed to tell you this. He told me he could pick my scream out of everyone else's."

"Do you think he was looking for yours?"

"The thought had not crossed my mind until now. Thanks a lot." She shrugs. "We should go back, right?" Just then there is a knock on the door. "One of us better think of a good story as to why there are two girls in here."

"Lesbians?" She suggests.

"On second thought, maybe you shouldn't talk." I grumble and open the door. "What's up?" Nadeshiko is standing there.

"Ikuto needs you to take him home. I think it's a good idea if just the two of you go. He's pretty angry. I'm sure the more people will only make him angrier."

"Okay?" I follow her back to find Kukai sitting by himself. "Where is Ikuto?"

"He said he'd be waiting in your truck."

"I'll be right back, okay?" I rush for the parking lot. Ikuto is sitting in the passenger seat, staring out the window. He doesn't so much as look at me as I climb inside. I flip the headlights on and put it in reverse.

"Put your seatbelt on." He orders. Ikuto no longer sounds like the nice friend I'd joked with earlier.

"I'm fine." I say, quickly realizing it'd a mistake. "I never wear it." I'm taking the turn onto the highway when Ikuto deftly reaches across me. "Ikuto?" He pulls my seat belt across my chest and there's a click as it snaps into place.

"Please wear it." The gruffness has left his voice. "You don't have to tell me why you're okay with not wearing it. Just wear the seatbelt."

I swallow the lump in my throat and stare ahead. "I wouldn't be upset if I died. I wouldn't try to kill myself either." He says nothing. "If I take you home, is your dad going to hurt you?"

"I don't know." Ikuto points to the next turn. "I'll be okay."

"What if I come inside? Will he-"

"You are never coming inside that house." Ikuto tells me angrily. "You are never, ever going to be in danger because of me." I clench the steering wheel as my emotions start to roar up inside me. Don't you dare cry because he yelled. He is only looking out for you.

"I just wanted to help." I finally tell him and tears sting my eyes. "I wouldn't want a friend to go through that."

"I feel the same, but I'm fine. I don't need your help. You couldn't do anything anyways."

Why do I always feel the need to argue? "I could get between you." I say honestly. "He doesn't have to hit you as long as he hits someone." Ikuto stares at my open mouthed and I do my best to avoid eye contact.

"If you ever get that chance, you better not." It's all he says. "I would rather him hit me than you." I know it's not about romance. Even though Utau had reinforced the thought in my head. It's about how guilty he'd feel.

"Well I feel the exact opposite." When I finally look at him he has my phone. "What are you doing?"

"I wanted to have your phone number. It's the only one I don't have." He calls his phone with mine and saves the numbers on both. Ikuto directs me to his driveway. I park and lock my doors. He doesn't hide his smile at my attempt to trap him.

"You have a nice home." I say. It doesn't look like a prison, but that's all it is for the boy beside me.

"Thanks. My mom designed it."

"Really?" He nods. "Wow, must have been expensive." I laugh nervously. "That was so dumb."

"It was expensive." He says. "But it's a custom built home. So while I'm not sure how much they paid, I know it was hefty."

"I don't want you to go in there." I blurt, and then slap my hands over my mouth. What else can I say? I know he's going to unlock the door and leave. I know I'll want to stay here and see if he's okay. But how could I know?

"I know." He says, unbuckling. Ikuto rests his elbow on my center console. He stares right at me and that's it. I've never had my face so close to another human being. "I will be okay." He pats my hand and it's terribly awkward, honestly. "I'll make you a deal."

"Okay." I say, seeing the curtains move from the corner of my eye. It looks like Ikuto is leaning in to kiss someone. A girlfriend. Thankfully the darkness hides my crimson face.

"If you wear your seatbelt all night I will call you when I'm okay. I'll tell you, okay?"

"You promise?"

"I promise." I nod and he lets go of my hand. "Don't turn down the music until you drive away." I hesitate before I nod. Ikuto spins the dial and it's so loud it hurts. I wait. My eyes never leave his silhouette as he shuts the car door to when he opens his front door. I can see the outlines through the light yellow curtains. They're already fighting.

"I have to leave. I'll run in there." I didn't know it, but Ikuto had locked the door behind him, just in case.

Tears streamed down my face as I made my way back to the restaurant. I finally turn the music down and just sit in the parking lot. How could I go in there and pretend it's okay? No matter how good the times are, or no matter how many memories we make, we'll always go back to where we aren't okay.

Can anyone change that?


	7. Tell Me A Little About You

**I wasn't expecting this chapter to be so long, but here it is. Ikuto's letter is at the end this time instead. While I've written in their points of view until now, I will be writing in third person until the time is right for Kukai's. I think it will read better.**

 **This one was super fun to write!**

He's already barreling towards me as I shut the door behind me. There is an audible click as the lock turns. She's stubborn and I'd witnessed the defiant look in her eyes, even if she couldn't see it in herself. I can't trust her to not barge in here. After all, he's my problem to deal with.

"Who were you with?" He asks. Amu's headlights are still shining against the curtain, illuminating our shadows. In an attempt to fool her, I ignore him and make my way for the stairs. He shoves me as hard as he can from behind like the coward he is. "I asked you a question!" He slurs.

"Why do you want to know?" It the carefree tone that makes his blood boil. I take him by his shirt and slam him into the nearest wall.

"Let me guess." He mocks, while drinking out of the scotch glass in his right hand. "You have another girlfriend." I rear back my right fist while he smirks. "Didn't you learn you lesson last time? _You are just like me._ Or do you need a repeat?" Without a second thought, he swings. His fist connects with my nose. I groan, furious. I see her headlights cut across the curtains. A grim smile curls my lips.

Unable to control my temper, I punch my father in the jaw. There's a sickening crack beneath my hand. It could have been my hand, or his jaw. "Stay out of my business." I growl, knocking the half full glass out of his hand. Alcohol and ice spill over the floor with the broken glass. "She's not my girlfriend, but that's not your business."

Dad shrugs weakly, staring at his spilled drink. Sometimes I can still see the man my mom chose, and in those moments, I find I'm horrified of what I've done. No she wouldn't approve of the violence, but seeing as she's no longer here. He slides down the wall to just slump there. "Go to your room or I'll knock that smirk of your face."

My room is up the staircase and on the right at the end of the hallway. If I'm there, the door is locked. He bursts in all the time just because. I snatch a wash cloth out from beneath the bed and press it to my nose. Why does the nose have to bleed so much?

My promise looms in my mind. Calling her is the right thing to do. Against my better judgement, I find her name at the top of my contacts. She answers on the second ring and it's like my brain freezes. A few awkward seconds pass in silent. "Hello?" She's been crying. Her voice is thick and I can hear her sniffling through the receiver. "Ikuto?" There is rustling in the background.

"Hey," My voice is smooth unlike hers.

She takes a deep breath, but is unable to hide the shakiness. "Are you okay?" I imagine her bottom lip quivering the way it did in her truck.

"I'm fine." I lie confidently while trying to clean the blood away. "Nothing happened just like I told you. See? There was no reason to worry."

"Why would you lie to me?" The shakiness is gone, replaced by her anger. "I could see your shadows. He punched you in the nose as I drove away. Against my better judgement by the way."

"I'm okay now." I mumble.

"That's great." She says with fake enthusiasm. "What's the point of lying to me? All of us have heard how your dad acts. I already knew Ikuto. If you didn't trust me, that would have been okay if you had just told me that."

I'm at a loss for words. She'd never believe me now. "I just knew you would worry." I finally say lamely. "I didn't want to bring you into it anymore."

"That's nonsense." She harps. "I was already worried. If we stay friends, I'll just worry more because I will never know if you're telling me the truth!"

"What do you mean 'if we stay friends?'." I shoot back, baffled. Surely she couldn't already be pushing me away.

"I don't mean what you think I meant." She grumbles. "It's nothing. I have to go. The others are waiting for me."

"Where are you?"

"We're at the park. "I get that you didn't want to share your business. I didn't want to talk about cutting, but I chose to. You didn't make the same choice and I'm really sorry I pushed you to do anything but what you were comfortable with." Kukai yells her name in the background. "I'm coming!" She yells. "Have a good night, Ikuto. I'll just see you Monday."

When the line disconnects I am somehow left feeling worse than before the phone call. And before the phone call, my nose had been gushing blood. I sit on my bed, hanging my head in shame. Not only had I made a connection with one of my new found friends, I'd also put a strain on it as well. "Dammit." I'd realized how Amu saw herself when Ms. Ichinose first came to me. She gave me a list of names. Out of them, Amu had drawn me in the most.

She's been nothing but kind and supportive of everyone in the last week. I'd gone through unneeded lengths to make her believe I didn't trust her. She'd only been helpful when she brought me home. Selflessly saying he only needed to hit someone. It didn't have to be me; it could be her. She left me in a state of admiration, I realize. How does someone hate themselves so much, but be so selfless and kind to others?

She made me believe in me for just a split second that I could be the person I described in my own letter. Without effort, she and the others who fight for themselves made me think that I could too.

So I decided I should return the favor properly. An apology is the best I can do, but maybe she'll accept. There's only one exit out of this house with him being awake and that's my window. It's a fight, just to somehow make it to the first sturdy branch from my window sill. Like any cliché movie, the tree is right beside the living room where my father will be.

So if I fall I can't make a sound and I just have to pray he's already facing away from the window. There are little to no footholds in the tree, but I just wing it. The last branch is still too high for my own comfort. Maybe 8 feet? 10 feet? It doesn't really matter since either way I'm going to have to let go and pray for the best. I release my grip quickly and try to crouch when I land. I roll some and end flat on my back.

He's not at the window, so I take the chance while I've got one. I sprint out of view from the house and just keep running. It's so quiet outside, peaceful even. The sky is dark, void of stars because of the street lights.

At the park, Nadeshiko, Utau, and Kukai are on the swings laughing. Amu however is not in sight. Those three don't notice me as I make my way through the park, checking under slides, gazebos, and the various jungle gyms. Where would I go if I didn't want anyone to see me? Right there. There's a narrow, blue tunnel kids usually climb through. It serves no real purpose, but you'd never see anyone at night. "Amu?" I ask quietly. There's a thud followed by an "Ow." I crawl inside and sit right beside her. "You hit your head, didn't you?" I chuckle.

"You startled me." She huffs defensively. "What are you doing here?"

"I owed you an apology."

"That could have waited until Monday."

"I didn't want to wait that long." There's a heavy silence. "You could not have picked a worse place to hide."

"Oh, now you're insulting my hiding places," She laughs. "You're ridiculous."

"No, I mean I'm all cramped up in here."

"I'm quite comfortable." She quips happily.

"Yeah and you're what? Four feet tall?" Had I been able to see her, I'm positive I would have seen that angry look all short girls dish out when insulted about height.

"I am five feet, three inches, and three quarters." She shoots back angrily. "At least I'm comfortable."

"Oh yeah? At least I can reach the top shelf, or the peddles of a car."

"So your apology was a cover up. You really came here to insult me some more." She giggles.

"I just wanted to make you stop being so upset." I admit. "You were crying earlier and I knew something had happened. You sounded like you needed a laugh." She's quiet. "I'm sorry for my stupid lie. There wasn't a point and I do trust you."

She sniffles. "I appreciate it, but I over reacted." I won't disagree, but I'm not saying that out loud either. "I'm okay, but you should get home. Does he know you left?"

"Nah," I brush it off. "I think it will be okay. I've done way worse." She snorts. "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

"My papa died five weeks ago today now that it's after midnight." There's no words to express condolences. "I still count the days, and the weeks. I can't believe they will turn into months." Her breathing is heavy as small sobs rack her body. "I'm glad it's dark and you can't see me crying."

"I'm so sorry. I lost my mom too."

"Saturdays are the absolute worst." She says bitterly.

"You-I mean we-could make new memories together. I mean we as in everyone. We could distract you and make the bad days better." I offer.

"Do you really think so?" The hope in her voice kills me inside.

"I think it's absolutely worth a try." Kukai is yelling her name and I grab her arm. "Just stay here and finish crying." Amu sniffles. "There's nothing wrong with letting it out. They don't need to know." She nods against my shoulder. She's shaking against me while the others continuously scream her name. When I came to apologize, this wasn't what I expected for sure.

"We should go." She says quietly. "It was a really good night, and I don't want to ruin it with this. First I yelled at you and now you're making me feel better." She crawls to her end of the tunnel and I crawl to mine. She's finally visible beneath the street lights. Our friends were on the other side of the pond, across the pond. "Is there anything on my face?"

"Uh, yeah. There's makeup smudged under your eye." She reaches. "No, the other eye." Somehow she still manages to completely miss it.

"Did I get it?"

"No," I chuckle. "Here, just let me." Amu stills completely as I reach up and wipe away the makeup with my index finger. "Now there's nothing on your face."

"Okay!" She says, her voice unusually high. "Let's go find the others. Do they know you're here?" A shake of my head. "Utau! Over here!" She waves her arms back and forth, and slams her elbow in my nose. After earlier it's already tender and the pain is utterly terrible. "Ikuto!" She yells. "You're bleeding! I'm so sorry." She frets over me trying to decide how to help, if anything will help.

"T's okay," I try to say. "Dad punched me in the nose earlier. That's why it's bleeding. You didn't hit me hard. You're okay. Not your fault." I try to reassure her.

"Stop trying to comfort me!" She laughs. "Is it broken?" She kneels in front of me as I sit in the grass. "Stop hiding your face and let me see!" She scolds me fiercely. My hands drop to my side just as her palms hold either side of my head up towards the light. "That's a lot of blood." She chokes out finally. Amu's hands drop and I assume she's going to find a paper towel in the bathroom. She doesn't. Instead she pulls her shirt off.

"WAIT!" I yell, covering my eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Ikuto," She giggles quietly. "I'm wearing a tank top." I peek through my fingers, seeing a black tank top. "You're an idiot."

"Gentleman," I correct while she tries to put pressure on my nose. There can't be a worse time for the others to show up, I think to myself.

"Wow, she really did a number on you." Kukai says, laughing loudly. I glower. "When did you get here?"

"A few minutes ago," Amu cuts me off.

"Where were you?"

"I'm sorry, I just needed some time alone." All three of nod. It's not like there's a good response for that.

"I was going to ask if you could take me home?" Nadeshiko says, moving to get a better look at my nose. "Dad is probably still awake, waiting for me to come home." Behind her, Utau is whispering in Kukai's ear. When he tries to argue, she pushes him playfully.

"Oh, yeah. No problem." Amu stands up. "Is everyone else ready to go home?"

"About that. The two of us don't live that far from here, so we're going to walk home. It's a nice night." Utau says, and I see her step on his foot. Peculiar.

It goes unnoticed by Amu. "Are you sure? It's no trouble to just drop you off."

"No, but Nadeshiko, I think you left something at my house this week. You should come with us and get it, then I'll take you home." The what was supposed to be a smooth lie turned out awkward.

"Sure." She answered. Amu was left feeling confused, and as Utau passed, I pulled on her sleeve.

"The next time you're trying to get two people alone, don't be so obvious." I whisper and she blushes. "And next time plan it out." They leave without another word.

"Is it something I said? Do you think I upset them when I said I needed to be alone?" Amu's words are rushed and she's talking faster than she can breathe.

"Of course not! I think Utau wanted to leave us alone together. We haven't talked much like you have with the others, not that she knows of at least."

"Oh," She says. "Well, this is kind of awkward." She stares at her feet, never looking at my face.

"Yeah," I reply and neither of us know what to talk about. "Want to call it a night?"

"Definitely." She grabs her keys out of her seat. "What's that look for?"

"You just left your keys in the vehicle?"

"It's midnight. No one is out here." I shake my head and she only rolls her eyes. Amu starts the truck and pulls the gear shift into drive and then she remembers. While her foot is on the break, she pulls her seatbelt across her chest. "I forgot." She drives to my house in silence, one hand on the wheel, the other on the door, propping her head up. "You were great at your game tonight."

"Thank you."

"Consider the bloody nose payback for gym class." I chuckle.

"Okay," Amu parks down the street from my house this time. "Let's make a deal." She stares at me. "I'll call you if I'm okay if you call me one of the times you need to cut." It didn't sound nearly as bad in my head as it did out loud. She shakes her head immediately. "What if you call me when you need someone and don't have anyone else?"

"I might be able to. I don't know. We don't really know each other very well. My problem is a little different. I want it to happen to me. I'm just worried if I don't hear that you're okay, you won't be at school and then I'll freak out."

"It's fine. Just if there's ever a time you need someone, I'll do my best to be there for you. After all, it's what you did for me." She nods, silent.

"Have a good night."

"Same to you."

True to my word, Amu's phone rings an hour later. "What took you so long?" She's clearly upset and was probably worried.

"Ladder problems."

"Do tell."

"Well it turns out our ladder in the shed is actually broken. Which is something I realized after I climbed halfway up the side of the house. So right as I got in arm's reach of my window sill, it buckled and collapsed under me."

"Oh, my god." She gasps, but I could hear the giggling she tried to hide.

"It's not nice to laugh at someone's misfortune. So I grab my window sill instead of letting myself fall and there's a crashing sound. I'm able to pull myself up and into my room."

"I can't even do a pull up."

I smile. "My dad heard it and he started pounding on my door, so I let him in. He didn't hit me." I say quickly. "He threatened me like always. But he thought I was sneaking my girlfriend into the house."

"You have a girlfriend?" Her voice is high pitched, like a squeak.

"No, he thinks you're my girlfriend."

"Oh!" She exclaims. "I assume you told him otherwise, right?"

"He doesn't believe a word I say. I had a girlfriend one time and now he thinks that's all I care about. It's just another way for him to ruin my life."

"Ikuto, what do you mean exactly?"

"There was a girl that started getting serious. I really liked her, I would have even said I loved her at the time. I told her she shouldn't come to my house, but didn't tell her about how he was. I lied about it. Who wouldn't be ashamed? Anyways, one day she just came over and my father let her in the house. It was okay for a few hours, but then he started drinking. He burst into my room and told us all about how I didn't deserve to be happy with a woman because we lost Mom.

"He turned on her and went to hit her. I got in between the two of them and I've never been that violent. Not before and definitely not since. She was scared and she dumped me on the spot. She said I'd end up like my father. Abusive and that's not a relationship she wanted. She called me a liar, selfish, and just about everything that can be twisted to pertain to me."

"What the _fuck_ is her problem." She said furiously. "How dare she accuse you of being like that monster? I've known you, for what, a week? And I knew immediately that you would never hurt someone you care about."

"Amu, it's okay. I'm over it now."

"I don't care!" She seethes. "Does it still hurt you? Do you still worry about becoming like him, or never being good enough for someone? Because if any of that's what you think, she's the cause of it and I'll make her take it all back!" Lesson one has been learned. She's so hard on herself and never defends herself. But take someone she cares even the tiniest bit about and she will rip them to shreds.

"Amu, you don't have to do that. Really. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm not like him. She didn't want to understand." It's all a huge lie.

She huffs, not pleased with my answer. "Whatever you say. This means you won't tell me her name, doesn't it? Since I was ready to go after her, I mean."

"Do you promise to not start something? There's nothing to start anymore. This was months ago and I'm lucky she didn't tell anyone the truth about why. She just said she didn't feel the same anymore. Of course she added a bit where I had told her I loved her-which hadn't happened yet."

"Saaya is your ex-girlfriend." She says quietly. "I hate that girl."

"What? Why?"

"Because she has to make people feel bad about themselves to feel better about herself! The second you do better than her, you're her enemy!"

"Sounds like a personal experience there."

"It doesn't matter. If it makes you feel any better, you're not the only person she's hurt. And because I know you'll ask, I'll tell you what happened." She takes a breath because once again she talks far too fast. "Last year we had a math class together. We sat together and she always talked to me. Like you, I thought she was really nice and friendly. She's a snake. I know that now. She started small with questions over how something worked. Small compliments to lull me into her sense of security.

"Then we talked about boys, particularly you. The two of you were dating at the time. That's where I remember you from. You've got to understand, I blocked everything about that vile creature out of my mind. She wanted me to date one of her friends or some shit and I wasn't interested. I always worried she was only being nice because I knew how to do the work and she didn't. Hence her failing grades. She paid me to tutor her. She was doing better, really. Then our semester tests came. She'd been doing better than me recently and that was fantastic.

"All I want is to see everyone succeed. She got a ninety-two on the test which is better than I'd hoped for. I got a one hundred and two. Every question right and the bonus. I couldn't understand why she was so upset about being ten points lower than me. She demanded I refund the money for tutoring and I said no way. She told me I'd regret it."

"Did you?"

"Hell no. But just because I did the right thing doesn't mean she did. She went to Ms. Ichinose with her crocodile tears and told her how worried she was for my health. I was cutting myself and I'd talked of killing myself. Saaya had just tried so hard to keep my secret but couldn't deal with the burden anymore." She mocks. "I'm sorry if I offend you because you had some serious feelings for her, but I'm glad you're not with her anymore."

"Sounds like I should be too." I say. "That's the most I've ever heard you cuss, you know that."

"Some things get my blood boiling." She says nonchalantly. "But she told me before that test how her boyfriend professed his love and she shot him down. I forgot it was you."

"I didn't know what she'd done to you."

"You're the first person I've told. I don't have friends, or I didn't until last week. And since you've got history with her, it seemed like you were the person to tell."

"Doesn't it seem strange to you? It feels like we're telling each other things too soon?"

"Maybe with all of the secrets we keep, some just feel like they should be common knowledge." Amu admits. "Out of all my secrets, my grandpa passing away, and a girl who stabbed me in the back seem to be fairly harmless secrets."

"Maybe for you." I say. "I'm an open book. My only secret worth hiding is my father and all of you know that. Saaya wasn't a secret. I'd tell anyone who knew about my dad what happened if they asked." Amu makes a sound of acknowledgment and yawns. "Go to sleep."

"Goodnight, Ikuto. It was nice talking to you. I'll see you Monday."

"Bye." I say quietly and the line disconnects. Immediately I wish I was still on the phone instead of sitting in silence. She's easy to talk to. I turn off the lights, turn on the box fan, relock my door and soon I'm asleep.

 **Death can bring out all kinds of emotions. For my own father, it brought out the worst in him. For me, it brought all my fears to the surface. They came together in the worst kind of combination. He blamed me for his lack of happiness. As if a child could cause cancer. But that's what has gone through his mind for two years. Since it has been my fault in his mind he's continuously taken his anger out on me.**

 **He'd never been violent before. But here we are at each other's neck every day. My problem isn't so much that he hits me. I'll get away from that one day. The damage done to me doesn't worry me the most either. I worry that I am like him, that I will grow so comfortable in using my fists that I will hurt someone I care about. My girlfriend dumped me over that fear and I've never been able to shake it.**

 **I want to be a better person someday, if that's even possible.**


	8. One Door Opens, Another Closes

That Sunday afternoon I was in Nadeshiko's pool. "A phone call wasn't good enough to hear about Ikuto." Utau says. "I want to see your face when you talk about him."

Which is exactly what I don't want. I'm so embarrassed and regret ever having talked so much in my life. He's too easy to talk to and it all just came out. I am such an idiot. My brother played on the other side of the pool, swimming with the dog. There was no other option but to bring him. Mom is on another flight and he can't be home alone.

"He's just too easy to talk to," I start with angrily. "I look back and I didn't want to tell him my life story or make any deals with him!" Nadeshiko laughs at me. "You don't understand."

"Just start from when you left Cherry Berry." Utau says, taking a drink from her water bottle.

"The beginning," I gripe. "Well, first of all, I don't ever wear my seat belt. And Ikuto told me to put it on and I told him no. Well, he just put it on me himself and asked me to do it for his peace of mind." Their eyes widen just a fraction. "Anyways I drove him home and I didn't want to. I tried to think of anything to prevent him going inside. I kept talking. I asked him if his dad would hit him if he went inside. He said he didn't know.

"Then I made him kind of mad when I told him I could go inside, that he just needed to hit someone and it didn't have to be Ikuto. He told me I would never go inside that house. That I would never be in danger because of him, which that part will make sense later. I just blurted out that I didn't want him to go in the house. He said, "Let me make you a deal." and said if I wore my seatbelt all night that he would call me when he was okay. He promised. Then he turned the radio in my truck as loud as it could go and told me to not turn down the music until I left."

Nadeshiko is dumbfounded; her mouth is slightly open, just hanging there. "Holy shit." Utau says. "Are you serious. I think I would have just died on the spot. Who knew he would be so protective?"

"Or intense?" Nadeshiko puts in. "You're telling us there's more than that? I'm not sure if I can handle that. He's just too hot."

I laugh incredibly loudly, just glad I wasn't the only one who thought that. "There's definitely more. Just wait. I saw them fighting through the curtains. I saw Ikuto get punched in the face, but I was amazed how he didn't even move from it. He did call, but I was already upset because of my grandpa, and I was already crying. This was when I told you all I just needed some time alone. Ikuto lied to me and told me nothing had happened. Like I said I was already in a bad mood, but I snapped at him. He said he didn't want me to worry, but I wanted him to feel bad.

"So I told him that he should have just told me he didn't trust me. That I was sorry I had felt comfortable enough to tell him things about me, but he didn't feel that way. And that I would have been fine with it had he just said, "I'm sorry I don't feel comfortable telling you this."." I finish, just as mad about it as I was then.

"Damn." Utau interjects. "He better have felt awful."

"That's why he came to the park, to apologize to me." Nadeshiko would catch flies if she didn't shut her mouth. "He found me and we talked about my grandpa, and about how he was an idiot. He told me to just let it out before joining up with the rest of you. Then we found the rest of you, when I elbowed him in his nose. And that's when you three left, leaving me to take him home."

"For the love of god, I can't take much more. He's too much." Nadeshiko says. "You better charm him so you get him, because just wow."

"He was fine, and I was grateful because my heart still isn't beating correctly. He wanted to make another deal this time. He was pushing his luck, I think. But he said he would call me when he was okay if I called him one of the times I needed to cut. I told him no. That was too uncomfortable for me. So instead he said what if I called him when I didn't have anyone else. I agreed, but I will never call him.

"He called me about an hour later, saying he has some ladder problems getting into his room. Ikuto told me something, but he didn't say I couldn't tell you. I assume it's implied, but I have to tell you. You can't tell anyone." They nod. "Do you know who Saaya is? She's in our grade?"

"I hate her." Utau says. "Can't stand that bitch."

"That makes two of us. "She's his ex-girlfriend, and she's a worse girlfriend then person apparently. The long story made short is Ikuto cared about her, thought that he loved her. Except he didn't tell her about his dad, and just told her she couldn't come to the house. She did though and it was fine until his dad started drinking. His dad tried to hit Saaya and of course Ikuto got in between them. He wasn't himself. He says he's never been so violent. Saaya dumped him on the spot, and said he would be just like his dad. She didn't tell anyone what had happened, but that's the worst thing I can imagine. I already hated her, but now? I just want to strangle her the next time I see her."

"I can't believe someone could tell Ikuto that. He protected her. He cares about your feelings so much that he walked from his house to the park. He cares about all us and didn't let us feel excluded from his football games." Nadeshiko says. "She should be ashamed of herself. I can imagine being afraid of his father, but if that had been me Ikuto would be my hero."

I nod. "I'm not going to repeat the entire story of why Saaya and I don't get along, but it's not because something small. She is the one who went to Ms. Ichinose and told her I cut myself. That's how I ended up in counseling and then with writing the letter."

"Small world," Utau says, and all I can do is agree. "I meant to tell you earlier, but I'm sorry if my saying he liked you has made you worry more."

"No, no. I could have brushed it off. But now I feel like I want him to like me and I also feel that I should keep my distance because I know all things have to end, and I don't want to be hurt anymore." My breathing is a little shaky. "Just thinking about it makes my stomach twist. Not in a good way. I panic too much to be with someone like that."

"I know that I can't make you think any other way, but everyone has their flaws. I know all about flaws and not feeling good enough. You're more than enough as a friend, or someone's girlfriend. Your brother over there just thinks you are the best thing in the world. Panic attacks only make you different, but it doesn't make you damaged." Nadeshiko says, and it might be the most she's ever said at once.

"Okay. I'll try to tell myself that." She grips my hand. "Thanks." Utau is smiling at the two of us.

"Can I ask you something, Shiko?" Utau had tentatively used a nickname, hoping she didn't mind. She nods. "You said that guy at the football game was your ex-boyfriend?" I feel her freeze, except for her hand. She squeezes my hand hard. "Is he harassing you?"

"You could say that." She says. "I don't think I can tell you the truth, I'm sorry. I haven't said it outloud, and it just hurts." I squeeze her hand.

"I'm sorry." Utau apologizes profusely.

"Do we need to watch out for him? I'll make him go away." She shakes her head and we drop the subject.

"We should invite Kukai and Ikuto." Nadeshiko says instantly. "Now that our conversation is over, I mean." Both of them look at me. "Unless you don't want him here."

"No, invite him. It will be fun and I know that." Utau climbs out of the pool to go call the boys.

"I want to tell you both what happened." She says. I nod.

"Don't push yourself if you're not ready. Just know that we are all here for you when you are ready."

"You're right."

"Do you want to see who can swim to the other side first?" She smirks and has already shot off the wall. "Hey! Not fair!" Swimming at my fastest is not enough.

The boys walk onto the patio and my brother whispers to me. "Are you sure these are your friends? They're all really attractive. Are you being punked?" I glare at him right before I shove him off the concrete and into the pool. Brat. I get away from the edge before he can pull me in. When Ikuto looks my way, I try to pretend I don't notice. Had I known the other part of our group would be coming today I would have worn a shirt over my bathing suit. I felt like I needed to cover up my two piece, but I tell myself it's okay. It's just a swimsuit and I do think I look nice in this.

Nadeshiko wore a tanktop and athletic shorts. She wore some kind of makeup to cover her scar, and I would have never known she had one. Utau still wore baggy clothes. And the boys had already taken their shirts off. It was hot.

I went inside after wrapping myself in a towel. Nadeshiko's dad had put out food for us, and bought drinks as soon as he heard we were coming. I just adored her father. He was everything a father should be, and it made me realize how much I had missed. "There are chips in the cabinet." I jump at his voice.

"Oh my God!" He kept laughing at me while I put my hand over my heart. "You scared me! Thank you for the food."

"No problem. Thought I'd let you know. Let her know that I have to leave for a while and then I will be back." I nod. "Oh! I haven't met you yet."

"Ikuto, sir." They shake hands while I lean against the counter. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise." He tells us goodbye, but I get the sense he'd like to talk to Ikuto a bit more. I open the cabinet, and see the cheetos. But he put them on the top shelf and that's just not going to work for me. I grab the broom from the corner and use the handle to knock them off the shelf.

"That's one way to do it." I smile as I open that bag and pour some on a plate.

"There are sandwiches in the fridge too. And drinks." It's only awkward if you make it awkward, right?

"Is that your brother?"

"Oh, yeah. His name is Takeo. He's a brat. Feel free to dunk him." He smiles. "Do you want something to eat? I can make it for you."

"Yeah, that would be great. Thank you." I see his frown when he sees my arm, completely uncovered. There are fresh cuts. How was I supposed to continue this conversation? I'm just awful at this maintaining conversations thing. "What's wrong? You're scowling."

"Me? Nothing. I'm great." He doesn't believe me. "Am I that easy to read?" He nods. "I was thinking that I didn't know how to carry on the conversation. And that I have bad people skills." I pass his plate to him. "I'm gonna head back outside." Maybe being with everyone else would make things easier.

I sat in the chair and set my plate on the table on the right. Kukai and Takeo were in the pull. It looks like they are having a contest of who can hold their breath the longest. Best of luck, Kukai. My brother is the most stubborn person I know. Ikuto takes the seat on the other side of the table. "Amu!" Takeo shouts right after he breaks the surface. "I can hold my breath longer!" Kukai's face is bright red.

"Oh yeah?" Kukai says. "Best two out of three." I roll my eyes.

"How old is he?" Ikuto asks.

"Just turned ten." Utau and Nadeshiko drag chairs over to us and join us.

"How are you, Ikuto?" Utau asks, finally, finally, making me feel like I can breathe again.

"Good. How are you?"

"Alright," She replies, but I can see how the two are looking at him differently.

My conversation skills did not improve over the afternoon and I spent most of the time avoiding Ikuto. It didn't go unnoticed by him, and I wanted to tell him how I was just weird. How I was just overthinking things, but I would have to tell him why. And while I'm adept with embarrassing myself, I didn't want to tell him how Utau put a thought in my head and now I have scared myself half to death.

I floated around the pool and no one talked to me. They know me. They know when I don't want to talk and the most wonderful thing of all is they didn't push me. Even though I felt sick to my stomach, I'd never felt more at home anyways.

Utau was at my locker Monday morning waiting impatiently. "You're going to be late. What took so long?"

"Takeo dumped everything out of my bag into the floorboard." I tell her, fumbling with the lock. "Little brat was mad I wouldn't let him skip school. I will never have kids."

"Well I was waiting to tell you something, but how about in English?" I nod, finally getting my combination right. "How are you feeling?" I stare at her. "About Ikuto."

"Oh!" I exclaim. "It's whatever. I'm worked up over nothing. He'd have done the same for anyone else." I say this, but it makes me sick to think he would act so genuine with anyone. It makes me jealous, an emotion I've rarely felt. "It's a crush. I'm sure it will pass. It's just new and dizzying."

"Who are you trying to convince here?" She asks, and I glare at her. "I'm just saying."

"Stop blowing holes in my theories." I smile. "They make me feel better." Utau lets it go, but with a smile like she knew something I didn't.

Kukai is in my math class, but he sits across the room. Our teacher had a strict seating chart, thanks to the boys in the class. Even now they just yell to each other from across the room. I wave at him as I take my seat, all eyes on me because I'm late. If our teacher is strict about a seating chart, just imagine how strict she is when you're late.

"Hinamori, why are you late."

My mouth is dry and I wish she would just let it go. I was never late, always completed assignments on time and was the most quiet in the class. So of course she picks on me the one time she gets a chance. "My brother dumped my bag over in my truck. So I had to pick it all up." It doesn't sound like my voice. No it's more harsh. I'd snapped at my teacher in my irritation and everyone was looking between her and myself.

Shit.

"You can lose your attitude in detention." She says, turning back to the whiteboard. I bite my lip, knowing if I say anything else, it will only make matters worse. I should not have snapped at my teacher; it's my fault.

Yet that doesn't register as I say very loudly, "I don't have an attitude, and you don't give detentions to the boys who yell across the room now, do you?" If she could have killed me on the spot, I know she would have. There are collective "ooh's" across the room and my face is heating up. She walked towards me and for a brief moment, I thought she'd hit me.

"Make that two detentions. Would you like to give me your attitude again, or quit while you're ahead?"

I don't say a word as she walks away. By some kind of curse Saaya was in my math class this year as well and she had a smile on her face. This is why I stay quiet. This is why I stay alone. This is the entire reason I don't have friends. Once I do I start feeling brave like I'm someone I'm not.

The entire class received a thick packet for homework five minutes until the bell rang. "You can thank Amu for the extra homework." She tells the class and I could have strangled her then and there.

Kairi shoulder checks me in the hallway. "Thanks for nothing. Should have kept your mouth shut." And then he throws my books to the ground. Half the boys from our class are behind him, stepping on my papers I'd reorganized, tearing them apart.

"Get the hell away from me!" I scream, and shove Kairi back into the wall. "How many times have you done the same thing?" My only hope was Kukai was walking this way, but he was gone. One of them will hit me, I just know it. I back up as he comes at me and I hit the wall. "You better get out of my face, Kairi, or I swear to God."

"Oh, yeah? What are you going to do?" He slapped me hard across my face and I hear some laughing. I'm clutching my cheek, and my eyes start to water. "Bitch."

"What do you think you're doing?" I watch his eyes widen before I look behind him. Utau is there, hands on her hips and she looks furious. "Get away from her."

"This doesn't concern you. She's not important." Kairi says when I try to escape around him. He slams me back to the wall. Why are there no teachers around when I need them ever?

Utau isn't strong; she's frail from anorexia. I'll be damned though; she fought Kairi with everything she had. Right up to when she punched him and only hurt herself. Why can't Kukai and Ikuto appear and get us out of this mess. Maybe it's the giant crowd that has gathered that gets the attention of the teachers, but I'm just grateful. I slid around him, helping Utau off the floor. She stands, but cradles her hand.

"What have you done?" Ms. Ichinose is right there and she has her eyes on Kairi. "You're done. Get to the office." She leads him off, winking at Utau and I. "There is nothing to see here. Go to class!" The crowd disperses and I can't believe how much trouble I've caused in an hour.

"I'm going to take you to the nurses station, alright?" Utau nods to me. I pick up the shreds of paper first, and I'm almost in tears. "These were all stories I wrote and now they are ruined. I wonder if i could piece them together long enough to rewrite it." My friends helps me put them in a nice stack.

"I'll help you." I know you will.

Utau was completely fine. The nurse had let us hide in her office through second period and we walked to English together. Now here I am in gym, dreading it. Nozomi made the warm up exercises extra painful, followed by a who can do more pull ups contest. My score is a flat zero and even then my arms burned afterwards. She sent me to sit in the bleachers first. There aren't many in my class who are able to meet her ridiculous standards.

A girl I didn't know got to eleven before she dropped off the bar. Most of my classmates, except for the athletes were lucky to accomplish one. At the end though Tadase and Ikuto were the only ones left. Show offs. I was impressed anyone could do so many at once. They kept looking at the other, and then they would pull themselves up faster. They're competing with each other!

Boys will be boys. I roll my eyes. The class doesn't find out who is stronger as Nozomi breaks off their contest. She tells us to run the track, or walk for the last bit of class. Everyone ends up walking beside their friends, and I can hear their laughter from the back of the crowd.

I pull my phone from my waist band. Ikuto had texted me asking if I was okay while we were still in the nurse's office. I text him now, hoping he has his phone. I can tell you about it now if you aren't busy. He's ahead of me in a throng of people. Better not get my hopes up. I could always tell him later with the others.

No, he immediately leaves his friends, walking against the crowd and towards me. "Hey." He says quietly, matching my slow pace. "Are you okay?"

"I'm alright. Just having a really bad day." I start out with. He's surely already heard all about my stupid confrontation in the hallway. "I was already in a bad mood and snapped at our math teacher. She gave me two detentions and on top of that she gave the entire class extra homework because of me. Kairi shoulder checked me in the hallway and then he threw all my stuff at the ground. His friends destroyed all my stuff. I shoved him then he pinned me on the hallway and slapped me. Then,"

Ikuto cuts me off and he sounds like nothing I've ever heard before. "Excuse me? You said he hit you?" He's furious.

"I told you I'm fine."

"Amu, I can go talk to him. I'll be his worst nightmare. He should not have hit you."

I shake my head. "No, it's over. You will make him more angry and make this worse for me. So just please don't. Utau tried to stop him, but she only hurt her hand when she punched him." He exhales harshly.

"Fine, I won't pummel him. This time." he emphasized that last bit and I shoot him dirty looks. "Look, if he hit you in front of me it would have ended there. He's not dumb enough to do that though."

"We didn't get in trouble." I tell him, still surprised the principal's office hadn't been our next stop.

"It was probably Ms. Ichinose who got you out of that." I shrug, already out of things to talk about again. He must notice. "We don't have to talk, you know. I'm happy with just walking in silence. You don't have to force yourself to talk to me." Clearly me trying to avoid him has not gone unnoticed.

"I'm just awkward. I want to talk to you, really, but we don't have anything in common. So what exactly am I supposed to say?" My cheeks burn when he laughs. "Don't laugh at me! It's a weird feeling. In between that I've known you forever, and honestly, I don't know you at all."

"You're completely right." He says, nodding his head. There is a smile on his face though as if he were glad we were together. It's just me overthinking things. "But I've only told you the same thing I've told everyone, and about an ex-girlfriend. No doubt the girls know, but I'll let it slide." He winks.

The tips of my ears are burning beneath my hair. "Sorry. I got ahead of myself."

"I'm not upset. I don't care. The more people who despise her, the better." He tells me, but I get the feeling he's lying. Somewhere beneath all these layers he still felt an inkling of emotion. Once you care about someone, do you really ever stop?

"Alright then," I say, clapping my hands. Do I have to be so cheesy? "Then I will tell you about my ex-boyfriend since you told me yours. Just to keep the conversation rolling." He chuckles. The amazement that we are talking as friends has not gone away. "I've had one serious boyfriend. I should really say one boyfriend since about fourth grade, but who keeps track of that?"

He whips his head back as he laughs loudly, attracting the attention of others. "Sounds good to me."

"Well, he's in this class for one." His eyes widen just a bit. "If you can believe it, Tadase and I dated."

"I did not know that. I never noticed."

I pat his arm. "You're not oblivious. You never noticed me." I say. "We dated during a time when I was happier. It was great. No problems, but I broke it off because I got too scared." I admit, biting down on my lip. Just the memory makes my eyes water. But I will not cry at school or in front of Ikuto. "I was sinking into depression again, and I felt like I was dragging him down with me. Tadase just wanted to be the one to help me, but I couldn't let him that close."

"How long?"

"Um, it was a week before ten months, I believe." I didn't believe that, I knew. Because I couldn't forget receiving flowers that next Friday and I didn't forgive him for it either. "I thought- I still think that all things will end and I was not in a good mindset. I'm still not, but I thought if it had to end that I would rather end it myself then wait for him to hurt me."

Ikuto is silent beside me as I continue. "It still makes me sick to my stomach when I see him. It hurt him more than me and I feel so guilty for that. I just handled it differently. He told me before that he hated how I could be someone without emotions. Completely cold and not the same person. And that's who I had to be to break up with him, and to get through the break up. It was awful seeing him everyday. No doubt that is part of the reason Kairi is not my number one fan."

"You're biting your lip again. You don't have to keep telling me if it hurts you." It's the kindness I expect from him, but I didn't stop.

"He still does these little things. He gives me sweet gestures to show me 'Hey I'm still here. I still love you.'. I must be the lowest kind of person to not feel anything in return."

"Do you still love him?" He's direct with his question. Whatever I had expected him to say, it was not that at all.

"No." I say honestly and it's as if the truth burns my throat. This is guilt. "I don't and maybe that's why I wish he'd just forget me. I wish he'd date someone else that wants that love. I don't want it. It hurts you. It kills you."

"What does he do?"

"These little things that just reinforce the idea that he is the perfect boyfriend, that I should be there with him. But he doesn't understand me. He thinks panic attacks are just me overreacting. He thinks self harm is a cry for help and not something I can't give up." I pause. "Please don't repeat any of this."

"I wouldn't."

"He doesn't even know me. He knows who I thought I could be. I thought I could fit in with him, but I don't. We're not even remotely compatible. It's just attraction and I wanted to be wanted." I'm crying. We're in the very back of the class where no one could see me.

"Amu," Ikuto says so quietly that I'm not sure I heard it. "You're perfect just the way you are. If he didn't see that , or accept you as you are that's on him. Not you."

"I appreciate that, but you're biased." He's shocked at my retort but I keep going. If I don't say it now, would I ever get it off my chest? "Every Friday we play dodgeball and I hate it." I say hotly remembering my nearly broken nose. He shirks away from my glare. "Tadase always picks me if he is captain. If he isn't and we are on the same team, he will help me. He knows how much I hate it. How I always get hit in the face, but he tries his best to keep me safe. He remembers the little month anniversaries we would have had and always leaves my favorite candy in my locker. It creeps me out sometimes but I know how he means it."

"Wow," He begins. "He's more than a little creepy, Amu. It's weird." I nod. "Have you ever asked him to stop?"

"I've already hurt him enough." I whisper. "I don't want to hurt him and it's just too awkward for me. I'd back out."

"It's not fair for this guilt to follow you. It's not healthy either."

Since Ikuto walked up to me and throughout our entire conversation Tadase has kept looking to us. He's watching with a scowl on his face. It's an emotion I've never seen from him. He looks disgusted. I make direct eye contact with him.

"Tadase has been watching us talk this whole time." I tell Ikuto. His head snaps up and his eyes move from person to person until they land on my ex boyfriend. "I've never seen him look so mad." I'm stunned. "Ikuto, he looks pissed!" Is that….fear?

"Amu, tell me, have you dated since Tadase?" I shake my head. "Have you shown interest?" I shake my head once again. "Have you even talked to the opposite sex?"

"Maybe a couple of insults here and there."

"He thinks I'm interested in you." He decides then. "You haven't dated so he thinks he's got a shot to be with you again."

My face is crimson and I won't look at him. "That's an awful lot to think from just one conversation." I say. Is there another explanation though?

"I saw him at the football game when I left with you."

"And everyone else!" I say because I can't accept what he's telling me.

"Maybe so, but he was in Cherry Berry after too. Think that was a coincidence?"

"Oh my god." I shout, not even controlling my voice. "Ikuto, during your ridiculous debate of Star Wars and Harry Potter, you pulled me against you. Do you think maybe he saw? And then we left together? Alone?"

He grumbles under his breath. "Well that settles it then. I'm sorry. He's going too far. You are not his. Even if we were, that's none of his business. He needs to stop."

"I can't do that, Ikuto. I didn't tell you about me for you to take care of my problems. Don't worry about it. It's fine. He's harmless." He didn't believe me at all.

Nozomi shouted for everyone to get inside. Ikuto walked at my side, just far enough so our hands didn't brush together. I would have space myself anyhow, but it left me wondering if he'd already thought of that.

Changing in the locker room is a nightmare. There are so many girls in here spraying perfume, or making obscene gestures. I waited until everyone had left to shower. There's no way I would shower with all these girls here. They've ripped open curtains before and I'm not about to open myself up for that. My hair was soaking wet. The strands of hair were stringy as I tied my hair up. I changed into my normal clothes again and slung my backpack over my shoulder.

I immediately stopped when I saw who was waiting for me. Ikuto and Tadase were both standing there with their arms crossed. While Tadase's anger that was written on my face earlier, I'd never seen the ferocity on Ikuto's face. I swallowed, but my throat was dry. "Fuck," I mutter under my breath. Ikuto smiled just a bit.

Ikuto let me walk beside him, on the far end away from Tadase, but all Tadase did was maneuver around him. My eyes met Ikuto's. His anger was almost tangible. I wondered silently if Ikuto always planned to wait for me. Or if maybe he saw Tadase and worried about me and everything I'd told him.

Either way, I'd have to tell him how grateful I was.


End file.
